Okay, let me start out by saying that I have always had very low self esteem. I have like zero confidence in myself. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. And I haven’t ever had it be any different.

I’m married (5 years) and we’ve been together for 10 years. I’m constantly doubting myself. I can’t understand what he sees in me. I look in the mirror and I’m just disgusted. And clearly this puts a strain on our relationship. We had an issue in the past with him & porn. He would just watch it to watch it when he was really depressed. And he was doing it a lot. Like any chance he could. Masturbating too but not as much. And it got to the point where we weren’t having any sexual contact. I didn’t know this was going on for a long time. So of course, it killed my confidence even more. I just assumed he’d realized the same thing I had and thought I was disgusting. We managed to finally work through that and get help. But me, I’m still struggling. I often wonder why was watching someone else on the internet better than having actual physical contact with your spouse? Is it just the way I look? Is it that I’m not good? Any time he masturbates I go through all these things in my head all over again. The thought of my husband getting himself off to some woman on the internet makes my heart hurt. I know it shouldn’t because it’s just something people do. But I don’t have the self esteem to maintain my confidence and know that it’s just a release and he’s not really wanting to sleep with these women. It’s like I take it personal. I don’t know how to get past it.

If you’ve hung around and gone through my rambling thank you. I just don’t know where to start in fixing this. Obviously I need to build my own confidence.. but how do I do that?

Thanks guys!