Sorry for the long post but positive please

I found out I was pregnant 2-3 weeks ago around mid-September. Me and my bf has only been trying since my last period at the end of August. I thought we were so lucky to get it on our first try! I had my first appointment on September 30. The doctors said my HCG was still too low to see anything so I was really early. So I thought...maybe the app is just wrong, because the App said I was 6 weeks along.

I did everything. I slept good, started eating better, did prenatal yoga every day and exercised, took my prenatal every day, tried to stay relaxed and didn’t over exert myself at anything.

I had my next appointment a week later on the following Monday, October 7. We saw a sac starting to form!!!! And my HCG doubled like it was supposed to!!!! I was ecstatic. I was so happy and content with my little sac. I thought it just gets better.....then Wednesday came.

I noticed my discharge was a little pinkish brown and I knew it was probably spotting but I still let my doctor know when I went back on Thursday, October 10. She said it’s normal and for some women it doesn’t affect anything....notice she said SOME. They gave me a pad at my request. As my day went on at work.....the blood got darker and heavier. I started getting so scared. Everyone kept saying as long as the blood isn’t bright red and you don’t see any clots.

Then of course.... as fate would have it...my blood turned bright red. I called my doctor and made an appointment for today, the next day, Friday, 10/11/19. I woke up this morning with a heavier flow and started seeing darker tissue passing through me and bright red blood. I went to my doctor.....my HCG stopped doubling but still increased a little. And when they did the ultrasound nothing was seen. I’m so devastated....my mom had a still born as her first child.... and I was hoping history wouldn’t repeat itself. My doctor confirmed my fear and something I knew but it still hurt like hell to hear her say the exact words I was dreading.

I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to get up and walk around. I was having bad cramps so when I got home I started a hot bath....where I passed 2 humongous blood clots and bled for a while. I was in my bathtub for 3 hours with painful cramps and passing clots.

My bf goes on like this is another normal day....I feel like I was the only person completely invested in this pregnancy.

My bf is tryin g to get me to eat but I have no appetite. Not even for my favorite meal. All I want to do is stay in bed and never come out and cuddle my dog who hasn’t left my side since I got home....I think he knows I’m sad.

Both my parents said “everything happens for a reason”....what reason can there be to cause pain like this? What is that “reason” they’re talking about. There is no reason any person should have to suffer this pain!

And the worst part is my doctor said 60% of pregnancies end up in miscarriage yet EVERY FUCKING WOMAN ON MY FB TIME LINE IS PREGNANT AND HAPPY AND GETTING FAT AND LOVINNG IT!!!!! Where is my happiness for that? Why couldn’t I be one of the lucky people? Why did I have to suffer this? Everything just seems pointless.