Tokophobia?

*** Disclaimer: I don't have anything against mothers, children or people who want/don't want children. I would never mistreat a child or anyone wanting/having a child. I know how much some people struggle to have children and I sincerely feel compassion for their pain, and same for people who don't want children but for end up having them or getting pregnant because of outside forces. This is just about what I personally feel.

So, tokophobia is basically described as a fear of pregnancy and infants. Note that phobia doesn't necessarily mean fear but also disgust or discomfort.

Now, I'm 18 and I've known since my early teens that I don't want children. I've never really liked kids and I don't want to be responsible for a whole other human life. I think I'd be an awful mother.

With that being said, lately I've been getting much stronger feelings about the issue. I mean *absolutely no offense* and I apologise in advance, but baby bumps kind of freak me out, especially if they're really large. I had a pregnant coworker this summer and I was curious to know what her bump felt like, but I only managed to "poke" it gently and couldn't lay my hand flat on it.

Same with childbirth. The idea itself isn't awful to me, but yesterday I couldn't stand watching it happen in a fictional movie. There was a scene in which the mother held her newborn infant and I found it disgusting, I had to look away. I repeat, I don't think *being a mother* or wanting to is disgusting, it's just the process that makes me uncomfortable.

The whole idea of growing a child is terrifying to me. Being alone with a child scares me and makes me uncomfortable. If someone gives me a baby to hold I get stressed and can't do it properly.

I think my mum is starting to come to terms with me not wanting to have children and it's a huge relief. I know I might change my mind but honestly I don't think that's very likely. Even just imagining myself pregnant gives me goosebumps.

Do you think this might be some form of tokophobia? How do you feel about it?

I apologise again if I have offended you, I really really didn't mean to. I know this is a controversial issue and I hope my language wasn't offensive or rude.