TLDR: PCOS is awful and I hate my body and family is so insensitive to both.

My aunt in law asked me when we were having babies this holiday party. Husband and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary and have been together 5 years.

I’ve only shared my fertility struggles with his grandma. We did 15 rounds fertility meds and trigger shot, the whole thing. Positive ovulation but no baby. This is not including the other 2 years of not preventing.

I’ve never been asked by his family before this one time other than once where his mom asked me if I was pregnant because hubby dumbly commented not to jump on trampoline because of my sore boobs (4th round of letrozole earlier this year... sigh).

And it really really did hurt me that she asked. Especially because it was in front of everyone. I didn’t explain our struggle for obvious reasons, just said we were waiting to settle down more or something like that. Other aunts chimed in about wanting a new baby in the family and how there was a “one year rule” where you only get one year as a couple before babies should come in there family and how that’s how it was for all of them.

I just feel like shit.

We have a fertility appointment scheduled in January to get an SA and HSG and I don’t even know if I want to go. I just think they’ll tell me I’m too fat or that my tubes are blocked and we have to do IVF. Or that they’ll laugh at me because I’m still “so young.” My husband isn’t even sure he wants to do an IUI because he feels like it’s too invasive and “if it’s meant to be you’ll get pregnant.”

I’m on CD 52 now after having regular cycles of 30 days all year. I took progesterone to start a period 2 weeks ago and didn’t start. I haven’t tested yet because I know it’ll just be negative and I don’t think I can take another one. I was hoping to have a cycle by January so I’d be primed for the HSG but nope. My stupid body can’t even make that happen.

I’m honestly just heartbroken and feel like such a failure as a woman and wife. I feel ugly and broken. I so want a family and it feels absolutely unattainable.