i don’t really even know where to begin as i never express my feelings to anyone so i hope at least one person replies..

over the past couple weeks i’ve been realizing i’m codependent. for so long i was trying to help, cater to, impress, change and be there for my baby dad & nothing ever got better.

he still continued to use drugs (heroin & meth)

mind you back in the day as in 6months to a year ago i was a pretty heavy drinker. so i’m not trying to be a hypocrite here but just saying. i would always be mad at him, pick at him, argue and nag to not lie to me, to become better and it was all because i was so hurt that he would do that to me behind my back and lie to my face all for drugs.

he has no job now, no house, lives with his grandma and other family members, he had no car, no money at least maybe he does for pawning stuff to get money and we all know what for!

couple months there he was starting to not lay with me, touch me, kiss me, hug me.. just try and have sex and if i said no he wouldn’t talk to me or anything just be kinda stand offish, ya know?

but when i got paid, he was nice.. would have me over, id buy him food, all the time, but that’s all we ever did really when together sleep and eat. there was no conversation, no interaction nothing special between us. just dull as hell

my question is , as i’m sitting here writing this..

why do i feel so fucking hurt in my heart? like i’ve lost something so irreplaceable, and feel as if i’m never gonna be happy again..

is he really someone special to keep around.. if NOT THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS !? i want it to go away because i honestly feel like nothing right now and i know deep down i’m worth more . worrying about the girls that are gonna be with him, and why he chooses them and if their better than me, prettier than me, what i did wrong for him to officially leave. but i know what i did.. i pushed him away by nagging and saying we’re over all the time but now he actually left and i’m sad.. but i know in my heart that’s what i wanted.. so then why do i feel this way?

he has physically, mentally and verbally abused me in the past and i just am so confused as to why i feel like i lost my whole world

😔

how do i let go ?