I Feel Defeated

I’ve been working so hard to be a better person, mom, wife.... no matter how hard I try I still seem to lose.

I’ve been trying to put effort into finding a balance between husband’s wants/my wants. Instead of all me. And even then, I’m now getting comments like “it’s always about you, isn’t it?”

I try so hard to make the right choices for my baby, but most everyone has another idea/different opinions and so I end up giving up and letting husband parent.

I finally got the closest thing to a dream job, it’s one of the best jobs I could ever get in this town, I actually love it, and I ended up having the “is this the right fit for you” talk with my boss. I’ve been making tons of mistakes, I start doing good and then more appear. I don’t even know I’m making them, I’m thinking I’m doing good then it all crashes down. So I don’t really know how to fix the problem if I’m unaware of the problem happening.

I had a feeling my boss was considering firing me, I thought I had made amazing progress in making the changes I need to, but I guess I’m just not.

I was working on building my self confidence, I was working on my mental health, recovering from PPD, and now after today I’m having to fight hard.

I’ve always felt like something is wrong with the way my mind works. No one ever understands the way I do things/think. And that thought is getting worse.

I don’t have many friends. Therapy isn’t an option due to location/if I lose my job.

Part of me wants to keep trying. But I’ve never done that before. I’ve always given up. I feel like everyone is better off without me causing problems and making mistakes. No, I’m not suicidal... I just sometimes feel it’s best for everyone if I live on my own and leave everyone else to their own lives.

I don’t have any friends anymore and just needed someone to talk to.