Is he abusive? If so, why? Please explain...I need help!

I know this may sound stupid to some of you but I really need to know if my boyfriend is abusive or not. I need to know WHY. I need someone to tell me. I feel like he probably is. But having others point it out would help me. I could even point it out to him. So if you have time I would REALLY appreciate you reading this and helping me...I’m in my room alone right now. I haven’t ate. I feel like crap. I’m so upset. He’s just downstairs playing video games after he smoked weed!

We’ve known each other since we were kids.

We have been together for 6 years.

We have a 20 month old.

He wants to try for another baby, but i’ve been on the fence about it because of this...

1. He has a very bad temper. I literally feel like i can’t talk to him about something because he ends up freaking out. He raises his voice a lot. He talks over me a lot. It almost always results in an argument.

2. When he’s angry he screams. He hits things and throws things at times (has punched two small holes in our door). He swears a lot. He calls me names like bitch, cunt, stupid, idiot, etc.

3. He constantly will argue in front of our son. Even when I’ve told him time and time again I don’t want to argue in front of him because of the effects. But he still doesn’t get it - or he just doesn’t care.

4. He usually will push me to talk after we get into an argument, but I’m the type that doesn’t like to talk right away about it because I’m still upset. I like to cool off. Collect my thoughts. WAIT for our child to be asleep and CALMLY talk about it. But he will just push me and bother me. He will literally come find me in the house to try to talk. Even if I move a few times and tell him I just want to be alone for a bit.

5. He will apologize and his famous line “do you still love me?” “Can I have a kiss?” Or “can I do something for you? A massage?” But then do the same thing again. Sometimes 5 minutes later. Sometimes a few days later. Then he says “I dont deserve you. I know I have issues. Can you help me with them?” He will sometimes cry. He makes me feel guilty and bad and makes me second guess if I was in the wrong.

6. I also feel scared/nervous to talk to him about cerise things because of how he reacts. He get so angry at times.

BUT at the same time...

He calls me beautiful everyday, buys me flowers often, gives me massages every night, after he knows he’s in the wrong he will cook or put our son to bed. He tells me all the time how he gets me water before bed every night. He tells me how we won’t find another relationship like this. How no one loves each other like we do. How were meant to be. Etc.

I’m confused...

I don’t know if we’re just going through a rough patch or he‘s actually Toxic. I love him. But not like I used to be. I fear loosing him though. I fear being alone. I fear I can’t afford things on my own. I suffer from MAJOR ANXIETY so I’m not even working right now. But it’s to the point where I don’t like being around him. I used to be obsessed with him. Always wanting to be with him and around him and it’s all changed now. I feel like we’re always arguing and it’s just draining. I don’t even like sleeping next to him. He bothers me almost. I don’t enjoy kissing him or hugging him. Everything just feels like a chore now (I used to love doing things for him, his laundry, cook for him, etc.). I spend more time away from him than I do around him now. But I can’t picture my life without him. Sometimes I want to leave because of how he treats me. But then I think I can’t really go anywhere. Plus I will look SO STUPID if I tell someone and go live with them for a bit and then get back with him. I’m embarrassed. I want my family to work out. I’m embarrassed that everyone will be talking. People will notice on social media that we’re not a family anymore.

Please don’t laugh at me. I’m having a hard time figuring out if he’s abusive or not. I don’t want to be that stupid girl, but I’m genuinely confused if it’s my fault or what. Sometimes I really do think I’m the crazy one. I dont know any other relationships though. So to me this is normal. My parents would argue like this so I really don’t know what’s normal and what’s not.