What the F***

Question

I came home from work today and am speechless at what my 4 year old told me...
A little bit of background info:  I have been unhappy with my husband for a long time and I finally asked him for a divorce. 
So back to today.. When I got home (I work in healthcare so I still have to go to work) my child told me that daddy said mommy is planning to take the kids to go live somewhere else because mommy doesn't like daddy anymore and daddy doesn't want everyone to leave him and it makes him really sad and he's going to miss us and he wants to change mommy's mind but he doesn't know how. 
I have no idea what to do with this. I obviously confronted him right away and he said that he never said that and our child must have overheard him talking. But our child is firm that daddy told him this. 
Now I have questions that my child is asking like "mommy you like daddy don't you?" And "mommy will you and daddy stay together?" This is way too big and complicated for a 4 year old! I can't believe this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to make false promises. I just told him that mommy and daddy both love him and will always be there for him. 
What would you do?

Accepted Answer

Deff get out . He was trying to use your son as a pawn and that shit is not okay. It’s just another reason to leave .

Answer

I'm not saying to stay with your husband because of your 4 year old.
But your husband still has feelings that are valid. He probably IS sad and doesn't want your child thinking "daddy doesn't love me so that's why we have to leave" not all of that was appropriate to say to a kid but kids ask questions. 
If he really wanted to put the work in to keep you , he would have or would be trying.
You do whatever you need to do, your child will adapt. But also try to remember your husband is a human being with feelings who's going to want to still be involved because he loves your child

Answer

I'd say 
'sometimes grown ups don't have crushes on each other anymore (or sometimes grownups don't get along anymore). We love each other and always will, but not in the way that married people do, so we're going to live in different houses now. You'll still daddy all the time and we both love you very, very much. Everything will be okay, and daddy will be happy in his house, and mommy will be happy in hers. We'll all still be family, just in a different way now'

Answer

That is called emotional manipulation. He is using your child's loyalty to both of you against you. That is not the type of home you want to raise a child in. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't the first episode of manipulative behavior. As it typically starts by direct manipulation and when that fails it branches out like this. 
I would leave and start going to see someone tou and your child can talk to I order to help the little one process the situation.

Answer

I would have the two of you come together and talk to him together. That way everyone knows what is said and there isn’t any “no I didn’t say it”. If anything further happens like that, keep note of it

Answer

He’s 4, but 4 year olds are smart. He will have a decent idea of what’s going on, just not the why. 
There’s no way for sure to know if your husband said that honestly, children can make up some crazy stories. I have 3 younger siblings 🤣. With that being said, he could be manipulating the situation to be difficult. Or your son overheard him talking. Or he told your son without intending to be manipulative. He probably is really hurt and struggling with this. He could be worried you’ll make him seem like a bad guy so your son won’t want to be around him. Just because you don’t care about him anymore doesn’t make him or his feelings less than! You two will be coparenting so you should be trying to stay civil.

Answer

I mean to be fair though, you'd have to address these questions soon enough if you're getting divorced. He shouldn't have said it that way if he really told that to your kid but it was really only a matter of time. I'd say to just be honest. Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for

Answer

Ummmmm always do therapy before the big divorce thing. Yeah, kids are shit starters if they find out mommy and daddy are not happy. They play judge. They are manipulative by each parent. Children are not judges or therapists. If I were you I’d seek therapy for everybody. You definitely don’t want your child thinking you’re playing your husband aka daddy.

Answer

Wow that’s disgusting 
He’s trying to manipulate you and your family by using the child 
That’s is actually sickening

Answer

He was way out of line to tell a child that and it seems like he is using your child to try and guilt you. That's way to specific for him not to have just told him that.

What the F***

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