I get random flashbacks about my past and how terrible I was and start to think that I don’t deserve any of my friends or loved ones. In middle through high school, I used to be immature and mean. I would call names, maybe spread a few rumors, fight fire with fire, make jokes about serious things that I would probably be hated if I say it in this new generation. This was before I met all these amazing, accepting, kind and loving people in my life. I think about how I would joke with my friends in HS about transgender (obviously wasn’t educated about). I think mean stuff but don’t say them now and tell myself, “Don’t. That’s not nice. Be kind.” And replace it with a night thought.

I remember there was this mean girl who teased me in high school and as a comeback, I said something racist toward her race. I think about it all now and how I support immigration and equality. Maybe it was because I wasn’t educated enough? I don’t know.

I was (still am) really insecure. I was so insecure that I sought for validation from others including strangers on the internet. I would constantly ask about my physical appearance or if I’m better looking than another person. I even once had a side by side pic of me and a random girl at school and asked strangers who’s prettier. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS I EVEN THINKING???

I’m trying not to blame this on mental illness but this was all pre-medication and before I had a therapist.