i’ve lost who i am.

this is what i said to the boy that was being rude to me for almost 8 months.

let’s start where it begins, back in october of 2018 i was a freshman in high school and i was also starting my addiction. i had met a boy,( i am not saying names. we can call him K.) me and K had been taking for a while and he made me feel real special. one night he asks me to sneak out of my house.(i have never snuck out before) and i decided to go when i got there it was dark and ominous. super creepy really. well anyways we met up at a park close to my house, and he had a backpack on which i thought was odd. he pulled out a bottle of tequila. and he asked if i wanted a drink. i said sure.(i had taken sips of alcohol before but never any hard alcohol) within 20-30 minutes i was messed up. i had drunk a lot of the bottle and he had a few sips here and there. we were sitting on the playground, and he puts his phone, the bottle, and something else i can’t remember. but he set it down by this tan slide. he started to push me down and i was saying for him to stop and i was begging. telling him i didn’t want to have sex yet. he covered my mouth with his hand and started to take my denim shorts off with the other. i was crying because i didn’t want to do this at all, and it hurt very badly. he finished quickly and pulled up his pants, he said to me “you should hurry and get dressed it’s late and i’ve got to get home bye” i just stared at him in shock. i could believe that had happened. i felt invaded, and like i had no control over my own body. i walked home. i could barely see and the fact that is was dark and i was crying didn’t help. when i finally got home it was 4 in the morning and i had school the next day. i went to the bathroom and it burned i looked down and my underwear was bloody. i cried. i was humiliated. i was a cheerleader at the time. i was supposed to wear my uniform that day. i didn’t. i stopped going to school for a while and was hanging out with some terrible influences. one friend was J she was my partner in crime. we didn’t go anywhere without eachother. one night we were hanging out and smoking and a couple guys come up. J knows them. she says hi and then they ask who i am. i introduced myself and two of them asked for my social media. i gave them it. we all just hung out that night. the next morning i get a text from R he said that i looked hot last night. i said thank you. he continued to spark up conversation. we were nothing alike. he invited me and J over we hung out and his little brother came down only a year younger than us. he asked if we wanted to smoke. J answered for me.”yes” we all smoked except R. he was sober. that night he asked me out. i said” yes” the next morning he asked if i wanted to come over i said “ok” i noticed i was starting to get fat. maybe it’s just the liquor. beer belly. it has only been a month and a half since i had seen K. i went to his house. me and his brother smoked. still he was as sober as can be. he said he only drank. and offered me some mexican alcohol. it tasted horrid. i had drank a lot and i started to get tired so i laid on the couch and i passed out. i woke up and i ran to the trash can. i threw up. i had only been asleep for 20 minutes. he came in and helped me upstairs to “ lay down” he practically was carrying me. he put me on the bed and he went to go lock the door. i had to throw up again. he had a trash can next to his bed. he started playing songs by “south park mexican” and forest gump by krimelifecass. i didn’t understand why. when he started walking towards the bed i heard his belt come undone. i was laying on my stomach. he started touching me. i said “please stop, i want to go home” he said “ you can go home soon” he started to pull my sweats off and he pulled my pink underwear off and he went inside of me. he pushed my head down into his bed. i could barely breathe. let alone scream. when he finished he threw me my clothes and said” come on my parents cant know you were here” i threw my clothes on and walked home. this continued for a month. everytime i wanted to leave my friend convinced me to stay. (all she wanted was free weed and booze) when i finally i went into a severe depression. i went to a mental hospital. i was there for christmas. when i got out i still hated myself. i continued to drink and smoke. i figured if i want to have sex with a lot of boys no body will want me anymore. nobody will invade my space. also it helped me keep my mind off of my pain for the moment. when it finished each time. i felt like a whore. a disappointment. i cried a lot and continued to do drugs. it’s now march and i went back to the mental hospital. on my birthday. when i got out i went right back in april. and i had sex with a boy we will call him (¥) we had sex a few times and once he didn’t have a condom so we did it anyways. he pulled out. i thought nothing of it and we stopped talking. in august of 2019 i tried to overdose. on my bipolar meds. it didn’t work obviously cause i’m writing this. while inside of the mental hospital they revealed that i had chlamydia .when i got out of a mental hospital again i met a boy. this boy is good. he treats me good and i truly believe that he loves me. i met his friends. they never liked me. one of his friends liked me in the past and i led him on. his name is S. he had been rude to me since i started dating my boyfriend. i asked him why. he said that i faked being raped. and that i’m a “good actor” now i am contemplating suicide. the only reason i haven’t done it yet is because i want a life with my boyfriend. he is truly great. i see us going far. we’ve been dating for 8 months. we got rid of the chlamydia a while ago. but i gave it to him without knowing. i feel like a piece of shit. all i want is a family. and i’m not even sure if i can get pregnant. so yeah any advise?

this was the boy’s response to what i said.