Lost...

I think I’m going to sink down further...I was stupid I had an affair and karma paid me back big time, I got ill..my husband then also had affairs after me twice over a year time. My trust for him is gone, even though we still share the same bed. We have been married for 18 years, he was my first love since high school. He says he still loves me and is tired of fighting with me, but then again we fight or we stay silent and don’t say a word...I keep checking his phone when he comes back from work to make sure he isn’t talking to anyone else..He can’t stay home during this dreadful time, because he has an essential job, gone for 12 hours everyday except Sundays. I don’t want to lose him because of my own stupidity before..sometimes I feel like I want to kill myself when he wants to leave..it’s putting a lot of stress on me and I can feel my body isn’t taking it so well..We have kids together, should we stay for them...?I don’t know what else I should do...