Long read: For the past 2 years, I have been attempting to forget and move on from two events that I don’t even know how to define... “sexual assault” or “rape”...

Incident 1- I went to a hotel party with a group of people who I went to high school with and trusted. I was excited about catching up with these people. One guy used to be a VERY close friend of mine. But that night, he kept staring at me and acting as if I was his girl for the night (sitting right up against me, putting his arm around me, following me everywhere!!). So it gets pretty late. I’m a little tipsy, but as uncomfortable as I am, I try to leave. This man insists that I stay and kicks everyone except his few friends out of the hotel... pulls out the pull out bed and says we can sleep there, promising he won’t do anything. I lay down and not even 5 minutes later, he’s pulling himself onto me... “I’m sorry I’m cold”. Then starts trying to kiss my neck! I told him I just wanted to go to sleep. He kept on. So I started saying things like “stop, don’t”. He ignores that and pulls my shorts off, goes down to eat me out and does it for like 2 minutes. I didn’t say anything during this time. When he came back up and started trying to kiss me again I said “Please don’t” and he said “I’m not” and immediate shoved his penis in. It literally felt like something left my body. I pushed him off of me, and grabbed my keys and drove home under the influence (however the incident somewhat sobered me up).

Incident 2- Fast forward two months later! I open up to my ex who I had been trying to rekindle my relationship with. He blames me for “staying at the party and letting him eat me out.” I felt really stupid after this. I ended up getting back with him until THIS happened. We were having sex, and this guy has an infatuation with anal. I personally HAVE to be in the mood and to feel ready for it. So during the sex, he keeps trying to put it in my ass. And I told him to “Stop. I don’t want to do that tonight.” So a few strokes later, he tries again. “No” I say. A few strokes later he holds me down and pushed his way in. This time, I didn’t have it in me to push him off. I laid there and took it. This is the last time I slept with him. I decided NOT to rekindle the relationship.

Fast forward to now... 2 years later. I am 22 weeks pregnant, in a healthy relationship. I still live in the same hometown as both of those guys ^^^ though. I have only opened up to a couple friends and my current boyfriend about this. It is still extremely difficult to process and to know how to define these two occurrences. I am reaching out on here because I need help, but I don’t know where to start. My depression and social anxiety is through the roof and here lately, I can barely make it through Walmart without disassociating. I’ve noticed that the ONLY time I feel comfortable is when I feel in control of the things around me. Right now is especially hard because I am pregnant and cannot do anything to help take the edge off. Any type of input, advice, personal experience, or encouragement would be so nice right now...