To my soon to be addicted ex-husband

In my heart, I hope you know that I will always try and remember how you once loved me and how I once saw you. From the moment I met you, I was in love with you, I never thought we would be here today. I will never lose hope that one day you will see the light. The truth is, I don't even think I know who you are anymore and the saddest part about what has recently transpired is I am not even sure if I ever knew you. I want to believe so badly that when you looked at me on our wedding day, that you were all in but I just don't think that was ever the case. I think you let me in just enough to fool me into loving you as hard as I did. Oh, and I loved you more than life it's self. It's sad to me that I can't bring you back, it's sad that it is out of my control and there isn't anything I can say to you to make you see what has happened to us because in your own mind, you have convinced yourself that we failed for other reasons that just aren't true. I would like to think that I knew who you were sober but you said to me once that I don't even know the real you and I didn't know what you meant then but maybe you were trying to tell me that your addiction was throughout our whole relationship? I wish I knew the answers, I wish I didn't have so many questions. I know this is a long life and we do have two beautiful children together that I didn't create on my own. They are so young right now but one day, I hope that they are able to see you as the guy I once saw, not this person you have become. I want you to know that no matter what, you are family. I will always love you and that will never change but I can't sit back and watch the person who I love destroy everything they are and take us down with them. You are better than this, I believe it with my whole heart, even though I feel like you never truly showed me who you were deep down inside, I know that you are something special because I am never wrong on that. I am sorry we are over, I am sorry we didn't make it and I will forever regret the first day you picked up a pill and I didn't notice a change. I will regret not knowing you well enough to know that something wasn't right. Because maybe, if my eyes were wide open, just maybe, I could have saved you from yourself.

I watched this video and cried, not because of how you looked at me, but because of how I looked at you. I wish you the best John, I truly do. I wish that you find peace in your life and I wish that you know how much you mean to me even though we didn't make it. One day, I hope we can look back and say, it was worth it. Please go get the help you need, please make that choice and please do it for yourself because you are worth it!

Love Always Cat