Recently my only long lasting relationship ended. We would have been dating for 3 years on March 29, known each other and been close friends since 2012.

We had struggled in the past with issues regarding intimacy, mainly physical attraction and compromising on what we both wanted. He’s always preferred bigger women, but it had never been an issue in regards to his feelings. It was more so that we were young/dumb and with me having moved away he was looking for something more physical.

We hit a bump in the road just as we got over our past issues. Suddenly my boyfriend was experiencing an identity crisis, he was not happy with his appearance and began to work out, he was eating better and taking care of himself. I was there through his journey, gave him tips about eating healthy as I had experienced something similar once diagnosed with diabetes. He was happy with himself, his confidence grew and I was happy to be besides him through it all. But as this happened, he began finding others more attractive, questioned his sexuality. It finally came through that he was not straight, he was a bi sexual and so the topic of him wanting to explore this came up.

He tried convincing me various times to try being in an open relationship, that he did not want to break up with me just to try and figure things out. I made my stance clear that it was not something I was comfortable with, that a relationship like that was too risky on many levels, not to mention that this “poly” amory would only be one sided. Back then I tried to compromise, knowing that it wasn’t anyone’s fault and with friends looking out for me I knew that he hadn’t stepped out of the relationship.

Things came to a halt as I couldn’t take the constant questioning about what we would do, and he couldn’t give me an answer or solution that would resolve things other than separating.

We stayed as friends for about a year, time in which it seems he tried to find a relationship and failed. Mutual friends confirmed that the most that had happened was some casual dates and apparently fights over his involvement with me, that ended with him telling his dates off.

The next year, armed with experience and better understanding we commenced our long lasting and very loving relationship. Anything that had bothered us was in the past. Intimacy was great, but not as good as the sex. I traveled to him in order to spend the Holidays together. Last year we did the same and had a great holiday together. He even began talking about marriage and wanting to move things further along. He had been talking about getting a job close to me and even about living together months before, he had made me feel on top of the world and I was falling deeper and deeper in love. I couldn’t wait till we both got together and began the rest of our lives.

That only made the blow to my heart bigger. Valentine’s went by and soon our anniversary was approaching. I had noticed him a bit distant but knowing that our midterms were close I assumed it was that. But soon little comments began to paint another picture. Between me being the one for him and him wanting to do better for me , past issues of polyamory and of being open to new things where sprinkled in. I don’t even remember the comment that set me off onto him one day. I pushed my stance and questioned him why suddenly he was reverting to old habits and what he thought it felt like to one day be put on cloud nine and the next be crashing down. He in turn tried to talk to me about maybe bringing someone in, saying that the growing time apart was leaving him needy for physical affection, that no matter what I was the one for him and that he was serious about marriage. I wanted to move the conversations to a video call, hoping to get more of an explanation or some body language to see if there was any honesty. Video call was postponed, he claimed due to his family getting together that night. I told him to not talk to me till the next week when my midterms would be over.

We talked through video and things spiraled down, in the end we both said terrible things, I told him again what was expected of the relationship, explained that being a couple was just that, 2 people together in love and I would not stand anyone else coming in. I gave him the choice to decode what he wanted and what he felt was best because in the end if he wasn’t feeling satisfied or happy he should be the one to decide and say just that. I told him that if what he needed was time or space to decide then we should separate to avoid any wrong doings.

Just like that, things ended.

I don’t know what to do now, my heart still hurts but it still beats for him. I can’t get him out of my mind, out of my dreams and what I thought my future would be.

This quarantine has only made things emotionally difficult as I no longer have privacy, I can’t cry alone or talk about my feelings when the family is tense as it is. I can’t even leave the house for a walk alone as tensions run high with the consequences of discrimination.

So I’ve come here to let things out of my chest and try to move forward.

Even now he still talks to me and is trying to prove that he does love and care for me. But I don’t want to fall again and be placed so high that I crash and burn, my heart breaking in the process.

Thank you for reading and for all your comments and advice. I hope that every woman here feels loved and secure.