Honestly just need to get this out...

Heads up...this is a loooonnnggg one.

I lost my job of 7 years in May. In the middle of this unholy pandemic!

I worked damn hard for that job and earned every cent I made there through ridiculous amounts of stress! Hubby (married 8 years) and I have been ttc for the past 2 years, I finally find out at the end of June that we were finally successful! Due in March 2021.

And while I should be over the moon with excitement...I'm numb.

I should also mention that I've struggled with mental illness for a large majority of my life. It's gotten progressively worse since ttc. I did the smart thing, went to my doc (ab a year ago) and got the meds I needed. Now that we have successfully conceived my doc had to pull all my meds. Which of course has resulted in a rush of anxiety and depression. I'm struggling...bad.

I feel worthless!

Before losing my job I was the main contributor to our household income. Hubby definitely contributes too!! He has never been without a job and does everything he can to take care of us! However since I had worked at my job for so long I just made more money than he did. No hard feelings in our marriage bc of this!! But now that I'm not working the stress is piling higher and higher. The bills are all past due. I applied for unemployment but I'm still waiting to receive it. I've put in 100s of job applications to no avail. My mental health is deteriorating. My incredible hubby who has always been so supportive is feeling the pressure. He tries to stay positive for me but I can feel his stress! I sense his resentment. He would never mention this to me but after 8 years I know this man like the back of my hand. It seems like we prayed so hard for this baby only to find ourselves in a insurmountable situation.

I want to be able to be happy! I want to get excited for this little miracle that we prayed so hard for!! What can I do? I feel so guilty for not being happy. I am completely broken!! I need to help my hubby with these bills before losing our home! I need to make it another 7-8 months without my meds and I'm spiraling ladies!! I honestly don't know what I expect to hear back on this post.

If you've made it this far through my self pity, please know I am beyond grateful!

I've had trouble sleeping with all these racing thoughts and all of a sudden at 4:00am lying beside my husband in bed...I am silently falling apart. The tears just keep coming. These hormones with my mental health capacity are kicking my ass pretty hard.

I guess I'm just asking for some good vibes/prayers today. I have an appointment with my doc coming up soon, so I definitely intend to explain my concerns! Just needed a bridge to get through this pain until I'm able to see her.

Thank you to whomever took the time to hear me out here today. I'm looking forward to the moment I finally feel that baby dust and am able to appreciate this little miracle more. In the mean time happy vibes to the rest of you sweet mama's doing your very best to make it through each day. If you find yourself feeling down or insecure lately. You are not alone.