Emotional blackmail?

Question

My boyfriend loves me very much and I love him but we are both damaged people been through very dark times in life. He had depression for years and it’s only recently been getting better within the past 8/9 months but he always tells me that I’m the love of his life and if he ever loses me he will kill himself. He used to tell me he wanted to die etc when we were friends and I was always there for him and tried to support him etc, but he still threatens with it now.. I understand if he feels that way or feels overwhelmed with certain things but telling me he would kill himself if he ever lost me feels like emotional blackmail? Like guilt tripping me into never leaving? I don’t know but I’ve never shown any intentions that I was going to leave and I currently don’t plan on leaving at all so I don’t know why he keeps telling me this... I’d really appreciate some advice. It makes me feel strange because it’s like if he didn’t have me what does he live for? I don’t mean that in a bad way AT ALL but I’m wondering if it could be an attention thing as before we got together he was sad a lot for sure but he was just getting stoned everyday to numb the pain he told me. Just feels like he doesn’t have any purpose in life if it’s not with me and I’m uncomfortable with that, but I do love and care about him so much I just don’t know what to think

Answer

Depression is a serious issue. I would suggest him going to therapy for it if he hasn’t already. He should also find a hobby that doesn’t include you in. Being so dependent and only dependent on your partners love isn’t healthy at all.

Answer

You need to talk to him and tell him that you need him to stop saying that because that’s not love, and you won’t EVER take responsibility￼ for him taking his life if he ever does so. His mental state is his responsibility, not yours. ￼You have to be straight up with him that you will not tolerate him continuing to say that. Tell him that if he’s suicidal, he needs to get help and you’ll help him do that, but What he is saying is not OK and￼ you will not be controlled by it.

Answer

Yes that is manipulative and pretty much guilt tripping you to stay. I’d even count it as borderline emotional abuse, he’s toying with your emotions. I’ve known several friends (Ex friends) that would say this to their partners or vice versa. They all broke up and no one killed themselves. It’s a childish statement and too much on your shoulders.
I asked my husband a few times hypothetically what he would do if we had problems and I left, (hes had depression and a traumatic history as a child) and he simply states he would try to win me back and continue his routine. If he was telling me he would go off himself I would force him into therapy.

Answer

That puts a LOT on you. And you mentioned you have been in dark places too. Someone else's or even your depression  is their own responsibility. You are a lovely person for being there for him during dark times but you also need boundaries to protect yourself. I had an ex who threatened he would kill himself if I left him (he was a nice guy but SUPER insecure and thus needy). I freaked out and would drive by and call friends to make sure he was still alive. But at some point, as scary as it is, that isnt my responsibility. I was becoming manic and manipulated through it all. I was losing who I was and getting wrapped up in someone else's troubles. My ex had other friends and family to check on him, it didnt all need to be on me even though it felt like it at the time. He didnt kill himself eventually recognized he was spiraling and sought help. In the meantime it took my about 7 years to recover from the trauma of that relationship even though I was never physically abused. You need to take care of you first (always), and yes your partner saying they will hurt themsleves because of something YOU might do is all on them and very manipulative. No matter the love in a relationship, threatening and scaring someone isnt an act of love. It is an act of fear and possibly concious manipulation. Protect yourself love 💜

Answer

My husband has said this before in the beginning of our relationship and still says it. That if I ever leave him and take his daughter from him he will just go and off himself. Now that we have a daughter it’s even more concerning that that would be his choice of action. 
He also ALWAYS says “don’t ever leave me.” To the point where it’s annoying and becoming unattractive. 
I don’t know what to do either. He’s stubborn and refuses therapy. Doesn’t think he needs help. But it’s obvious he has extreme insecurity issues that need to be looked at. I think yours does too. 
Just know I’m right there with you and just as lost about it. I try not to think about it or harp on it too much though. But it makes you feel stuck and suffocated.

Answer

It really seems like a manipulative statement, IMO...because if you do realize ever that what’s best for you is to leave, he’s cornered you with an enormous weight. If he feels suicidal is something he’d do, he needs help. And honestly, I’d tell him flat out ‘I want to stay with you and because of that, I need you to get help so that this is no longer a thought that ever crosses your mind’
It’s good for him AND for you. If something ever happened to you, you want him to be able to move on and be happy. 
I worry if things get bad, you might feel the need to put up with a a lot of bad because you will be afraid to leave with that threat hanging over you. It’s not fair, and it’s not love. It’s dependent, it can become emotional/mental abuse, and you need a healthy relationship for your own mental health.

Answer

It’s emotional abuse, he’s trying to force you to stay. He could also have codependency issues. He needs to get help. Someone who truly loves you will want the best for you, even if it means not being with them. I also agree with this:

Answer

It's too much pressure on one petson to be the only source of happiness in another person's life. He needs to find happiness and joy through other things in his life. I would suggest therapy for him. I would also tell him how you feel.

Answer

I'm concerned for both of you.
He certainly needs help. It's emotional blackmail on his part. You need to seperate for a while till he is in a better place. It is no good for your mental health either

Answer

Oh also ladies I forgot to mention, when I was severely depressed and suicidal I told him how I felt and he said to me “please don’t kill yourself” “you’re going to aren’t you” 
That made me feel more suicidal you do NOT say that to someone in that state of mind!! Just made me felt like what the fuck is this relationship. He doesn’t love me he just has his own abandonment issues and he’s convinced himself he loves me because he’s scared to be alone. He’s life has nothing if I’m not in it, not to sound big headed but it is true, he doesn’t work & he sits at home all day smoking instead of healing his traumas. He says therapy “doesn’t work” he just doesn’t try enough but always preaches to me that I need to try and overcome my problems!! Makes me feel like I’m the one who’s crazy sometimes

Emotional blackmail?

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