Conversations after Rape TW

I am having so many mixed feelings and I hope I write this as clearly as possible. I am not looking for judgement but open ears and hearts. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and what their outcome was. I don’t want to hear from people who cannot relate at all please.

Please be kind. If you don’t have something constructive to say please refrain from saying anything. I know this is a trigger for people but I want my wishes to be respected.

My boyfriend of 3 years and I have been attempting to talk about the One time he “raped” me. I already explained my side of the experience to him which was he grabbed my yoga pants from the back as I was leaving the bed after a short blanket-in-between cuddle and I found myself face down on the pillow and felt him already naked behind me and telling me to put it in within seconds. I know I said No once in between the grabbing. I was scared and listened to him. I had never been scared with him before like this. He had never done something like that before so I felt in danger or panicked. I knew it would be quick since he only lasts seconds so I did put it in. I was also scared of him putting it in himself and him hurting me. As soon as he was done I quickly got up and got ready for work and left without saying a word. I was in this state of shock like what the hell just happened. Did I actually want it? Does he know? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Is this fair for me to be feeling this way? What do I even do with these feelings. How do I talk to him about it? Do I? Would he listen? Would he care? Would he get defensive? Would I ever get over it? Can I get over it? What would that look like?

We spoke about it briefly at the time and he was his defensive self so we dropped it with the conclusion that I wouldn’t sleep with him anymore.

We are in the middle of our break up together and have been having powerful healing conversations about other topics in our relationship. We are attempting to sort out the rape incident but he is refusing to think of it as rape. He is using self-preservation language like “I am sorry you felt that way and I am sorry I hurt you.”

I don’t believe he will ever do it again but I am worried that the language he is using to protect himself will not go away. I am not sure if what I want is for him to admit saying he raped me or if that won’t be enough.

I’d like to hear from other people’s experiences with this sort of conversation. Does it take time? What did it take for the relationship to work or move past it?

Please be kind. If you don’t have something constructive to say please refrain from saying anything. I know this is a trigger for people but I want my wishes to be respected.