Can't Forgive Him.

So I don't 100% know if it was rape or just one really bad mistake on my husband's part.

I've known my husband for 15 years and has never given me a reason not to trust him. We have two beautiful boys and we have a really strong relationship. We have both been sexually assaulted in our pasts so we know not to cross lines, or at least I thought.

Last night, my parents took the boys so we could go out drinking and have some fun. This is not the first time either we got hammered around each other so its not like I couldn't trust him drunk. We got home, i laid in bed because I was exhausted and drunk. Next thing I know he's naked, next to me, asking me to 69. I told him no. I have expressed many times I did not want to do that ever but last night he persisted. I said no again and he started taking off my clothes. I was too drunk and tired to move but then he climbed on top of me and tried to get his penis in my mouth while he started going down on me. I turned my head away and was so shocked I didn't know what to do. I just laid there and cried. He kept trying to turn me on by giving oral and fingering me while pressing his dick against my face and humping.

He got up after a little while and put his penis inside me. He just kept thrusting harder and harder while I cried. It started to hurt. I remember him kissing my chest whispering how he couldnt control himself and this what I do to him between each kiss. I cant unhear it. It doesn't stop replaying in my mind. He tried to choke me but I think thats when he realized I was crying and he stopped and got off me. I dont really remember much after that except both of us crying.

After we slept it off I told in the morning what had happened and he broke down. He didn't remember any of it and felt shattered that he did something like that. Like I said, I've known him for most of my life and he's one of the nicest, loving people I know. That's why this is so hard for me. I plan on trying to work things out with my husband and try to move past it. Hes promised hes never drinking again and I really want to believe it but I just don't know anymore.

I'm having a really hard time with it. I can't stop reliving it with flashbacks and I get so sick to my stomach I can't eat. I'm trying so hard to process this and move forward but I keep finding myself having panic attacks and crying. And I'm so angry at him and I hate him for what he's done which makes me hate myself because I really love him. I'm frustrated and angry and scared.

We want to see a couples therapist but they're really expensive so I'm at a loss as to what to do. I just... I just don't know. I can't walk away from him but I dont know if I can handle staying either.