13 years later

So I guess I’m just writing this to get this off my chest and to see if it’s my fault and I shouldn’t feel this way. I started being sexually active since around the age of 12, I didn’t loose my virginity till 13. I don’t know if it’s true but I’ve herd and read that when someone has been sexually abused, raped, etc... they tend to be more sexually active young. Well anyway from as far as I remember I was probably around 5 or so when my mom has this boyfriend, and this boyfriend had a younger brother I’m guessing around 16-18 and when we where around everyone he was always so mean to me. He would call me names, say I was ugly, throw and break my toys, ugh I just hated him. Well when he would get the chance to be alone with me he was a completely different person he would tell me how pretty I was and he would promise me he would replace my toys and so on. I never really understood him, he would tell me not to tell anyone so I never really did. Honestly I don’t remember if he actually raped me with intercourse but I do remember a lot of times when he would take out his penis and asked me to touch it or put my mouth on it, or he would either rub it on the top of my vagina or my butt but that’s it. I was so young so I really didn’t understand it was wrong I never told anyone and to this day. So anyway years pass by my mom and this boyfriend of hers break up not long after that, years go by and once I started puberty or I guess getting to my preteen years I started to become really sexually actively, and I lost my virginity at 13 and he was 19. I always likes older guys idk why or idk if it had anything to do with my past. A few years pass by I get pregnant at 15, had my son, still managed to go out party sleep around did what I wanted. During this time I had met my “best friend” she was like a sister to me! We where inseparable, I mean this girl was like my soulmate, she had a different life than what I did. She had both of her parents, middle child, nice car, and a lot of other things I didn’t or couldn’t have. Her parents where split up but lives literally 2 blocks from each other so we would always go back and forth from her parents house. I was always at her house spending the night, I would leave my baby with my mom or his dad most of the time. One night me and her decided to stay home and just chill, one of her guy friends had txt her and told her he wanted to see her blah blah blah, and her mom wouldn’t allow some random guy to come over so she asked her dad if we could go over to his house, he said yes that’s was fine his wife was out of town so the house would be alone with just us 2 and him. So we got there and my friend was telling her dad that a guy wanted to come over but that we would just be outside talking nothing was going to happen. Of course her dad didn’t approve of it and she got upset, well after a while her dad calls her into his room I stayed in the living room minding my business. She walks out with a BIG smile on her face and she tells me “ I have some good news”. I ask her what is it, so she tells me that her dad told her that she could have a guy over and spend the night IF he could have sex with me 😳😳 I was shocked I mean I didn’t know how to react o was only 16. She kept begging me and begging me to sleep with her dad so he could come over. After a while I guess I gave in and told her yes, so she goes and tells her dad. He then comes and gets me takes me to his bed room. I was so scared, he then tells me to not worry, I shouldn’t feel scared because I’ve slept around before and that I’ve known him for a while so it should feel normal. Oh and apparently I likes older men. But I had never been with someone this much older than me. I mean I would say a few years but this was way out! I tried to stay calm but I couldn’t i felt like crying. At first he did try to comfort me to make me feel I guess more comfortable. He kissed me and touched me but I would pull away, I didn’t like the feeling at all. He ended up taking off my shorts, he asked me if I was on birth control because he didn’t want to get me pregnant. I told him no thinking maybe he would change his mind. That didn’t work, he then started putting gis penis inside me and started having sex with me, I never told him no or to get off of me. But I did start to cry because I didn’t like it and didn’t want to do it. He then put his hand over my mouth and told me to stop crying it was to late and I had already agreed. He got done and just left me in the room, I put my shorts on and went in to the living room with my friend. He had left, but she kept telling me its no big deal because I wasn’t a virgin anyway and also because I liked guys who where older and since her dad was much older I should have liked him more. The next day I got up and called my mom to pick me up. I stopped talking to her completely I didn’t want nothing to do with her. A few months pass by and a mutual friend of ours messaged me and asked me if it’s true I had slept with the other girls dad. I right away denied it, well turns out she told everyone about that night even her mom I mean EVERYONE. I hated my life at that moment. We lived in different towns so I guess that was a good thing about it. I managed to change my life completely completely. Ive gotten married, had more kids doing the best that I can. But the only problem I have is sometimes I remember my past and I hate myself for it. I blame myself for not saying anything both times when I was 5 and when I was 16. I’ve told my husband but he also blames me, not the first time but the second time with my friends dad. I don’t know if it’s considered rapes because I did agree to it and I never told him stop, but I definitely didn’t want it. I cried and cried and cried. And sometimes I run into him, but I act as if I don’t know who he is. Hes messaged me through Facebook but I block him, my husband doesn’t know about that and I don’t think I’ll ever tell him. He will probably say or think I’m the one provoking him. I have to live with this day by day. I hate myself of who I am of who I was. In a way I’m glad I was able to change my life and get rid of those people. I remember when my so call friend would call me just to tell me how dirty I was for sleeping with her dad. That I could never do anything about it because I was the one who wanted it. Sorry for it being so long I just needed to let it out since I’ve kept it inside of me for so long. My husband isn’t the type of person I could talk to about this. He blames me as well. He tells me I should have just left but I chose to stay which I did.