Hey, need help from any trans people to help explain any of this to me

This may get pretty heavy so please be careful when reading as I mention some really weird stuff.

Basically when I first hit puberty (I’m now 18) I became kinda uncomfortable with having female genitalia, like I didn’t want it there but I also didn’t want a penis either. I was fine with by breasts but not my vagina idk.

I remember for a short time I also did something that I’ve never heard of anyone doing; so I had a bunkbed and at night I would sit with one leg over the side and sit on the bar that’s there to stop you falling out of bed. Idk why I did it, but it was super painful to have all my body weight on my vagina like that and I think it would still hurt the day after too but I can’t really remember. I didn’t keep doing that for a long time but still have no idea why I did it. (It was a time in my life where I had a lot going on anyway; my family was falling apart, just changed schools, also had anxiety attacks sometimes so that might have contributed to it.)

Anyway I kinda stopped feeling uncomfortable about having genitalia a while after (though there’s always been days when I didn’t want it there) and I guess I didn’t really think about it for a few years but now I’ve begun to feel more and more uncomfortable with it for longer and it brought back memories of what I did when I was younger so.

Anyway I always feel female and I am female I just sometimes don’t want a vagina. Anyone able to offer an explanation please do! Thank you!