I’m very low and don’t know who to turn to

How do I talk about things without actually talking? I’m very much a closed book but I have too much inside of me to let out, I’m suicidal and I have no one to turn to because I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak. I don’t want to open to my parents because it’ll always be brought up about how I self harmed and they won’t ever be able to trust me and will treat me like a baby not allowed to be alone. I can’t talk to friends because i dont feel safe letting friends know what’s really going on because they have a lot on their plate anyway. I just keep telling them that I’m fine and in reality I’m really not. I tried a while ago to do counselling when I was in school but I just can’t openly express my feelings to someone. I can pitch it all in my head what I want to say and how I feel but it just doesn’t come out ever. I feel lost , confused alone sick I want to actually beat myself up over the past and because of things that have happened with relationships and a breakup I know it was my fault they left me and I can’t do nothing about it. I just feel like I’m not going to ever be loved , and I think I’m traumatised from the breakup I don’t ever, ever want to let a man in my life again I can’t bring myself to trust someone like that he was my first and he just threw me away when he was bored I feel useless and ... I don’t know I just feel nothing I’m crying my eyes out in the dark in my bed I want to get away and stay somewhere else so I can really let it out