My depression is ruining me

My depression is like a pendulum; I swing from being so lonely and wanting to have a great social life with people to not wanting anything to do with anyone. I want to delete everyone I went to high school with from everything. I hardly have any friends, and it feels like my brain is blocked from normal social interactions. I feel like I’m not likable, I’m stupid, I’m worthless, I don’t even deserve to eat.

I’m constantly hanging in the balance of “fine” and suicidal ideation. I’ll be sitting in class and my mind creeps in and tells me “you should just kill yourself” and imagine gruesome self harm scenarios. I hurt myself just so I could feel something other than this fog that turns into concrete heavy in my head. I don’t care what happens to me. I don’t think I could kill myself but I wouldn’t care if I died.

I don’t know why I’m writing this.. I feel like a burden to everyone