i don’t know how long i’ll be here

i’ve started s/h again. and i was doing so good. i don’t understand why i keep going back. i’ve had some terrible thoughts about what i’d like to do to myself. there’s times where i don’t feel like myself. there’s times where i blank out and think of shit that people shouldn’t think of.

when i look in the mirror i feel disgusting. i smile and act like my weight is normal when i’m barely hanging on. i’m physically active but it feels like nothing is working. some days food is my comfort. some days food is the scariest thing to look at.

as far as my looks i hate myself. my face, my incoming acne, weight, height, etc. it’s just everything about me that i hate. and i hate complaining to people about my problems because i feel like i’m bitching. about literally nothing. but most of the time i keep everything built in.

6 months ago i was diagnosed with PCOS. i only went to the doctor because i had an irregular period. but i ended up getting diagnosed with..PCOS. i feel fine. but i’m more emotional than i was before the diagnoses.

but anyway, moral of the story i just don’t know if i’ll make it to 2021. everyday feels like the day i’m going to end it all. i gave everyone hints but nobody catches on. i’m just tired bro. i want to give up. i haven’t been happy in years. and i’m 17. i can’t live in sadness my whole life. my friends and family are lucky i even got to see my 17th birthday. i didn’t know i’d last this long.

sorry for rambling. bye.