Heart broken

I did something stupid today. I looked at my ex's Instagram page and was just looking at old pictures. Pictures of us, pictures of his life before me. I looked at this picture of him and that girl. I looked at her face and just thought to myself " I hate that bitch" and then I cried. What an ugly thing of me to say. I don't hate her. I don't even know her. I just hate the way I feel right now. I'm jealous of her. I'm jealous of the way he felt about her. I never once used to feel that way about her. I never used to worry myself with his past life or even cared who she was. I was so confident in us, it never mattered to me. The day before our break up I asked him that if I was going to put my house search on pause and stay living at his parents with him while we focus on building a house on the land he purchased, that he was thinking long term and seen a future with me... I just thought it'd be one of those silly reassurance questions. The kind that are answered with an "of course darling" and that'd be the end of the conversation. He answered by saying "I mean I don't know. I don't plan on dumping you any time soon, I loved my ex and I wanted to marry her and that didn't happen so who knows" But that's not what I asked. I didn't ask him what would happen I asked him what he wanted. He didn't say he loved me. He has never said he wants to marry me someday. He said it so confidently about her though. I just... idk hearing that just broke something inside of me. I just feel so lost and today it just feels so heavy. I feel so stupid for still missing him and wanting him in that way.

I just needed to get this off my chest and vent. It's been so hard for me to say this but today I just needed to tell someone. I've been focusing on self care a lot and trying my best. I had a break down today though and I just needed to talk about it with someone so I don't have to feel so alone in this experience.