Surprise Baby

So, on April 4th of this year my twins were born and about a month later their older sister passed away from cancer. I have 2 older sons as well.

What I quite clearly wasn't expecting was to then find out I was pregnant, not only 6 months after my daughter passed away, but also 7 months after having twins.

I feel like I haven't been given enough time. Enough time to heal, enough time to get used to having little babies in the house again. I miss my daughter more than anything you could possibly imagine, and it's been really hard having baby twins to look after since that happened. And now, to find out there's gonna be another baby in the house, of course I'm happy and excited, but I also dread it.

I feel like I'm a bad person for that. This is supposed to be really joyous and amazing. But it's the trickiest thing ever. To have 3 babies under 2 years old is terrifying, especially when I feel like I can't be as good of a mother for them right now. I just feel like I'm slowly tipping over the edge and eventually I'm gonna reach my breaking point and I won't be a good enough mother to them at all.

I'm not posting this to look for sympathy or something, I just want advice. I need some sort of way to deal with all this. Please, if there's anything that helps, tell me.