Do you think i was gaslighted/mentally abused/other by my toxic ex?

Hi, this is a long post but it’s something I needed to let out of my system for awhile. I would truly appreciate it if you took the time to read it and please comment any thoughts if you could. I’m also aware how idiotic ive been to ignore some of the signs but I’m young and I thought we were something so much more. Looking back, I have been able to acknowledge my mistakes and the red flags I missed and am glad to say I have grown from it. But I would just like to share my story.

So my ex and I had what seemed like a simple relationship that later on turned complicated. We were 2 kids going to the same college bored in quarantine so we met up (end of May) since we lived close by and things were good we were able to talk about anything and everything, we liked most of the same stuff.

Anyways we were FWB for awhile and we FT a lot and one of the things he would like to do is swipe on girls on tinder and make fun of the weird profiles. I mean it didn’t bother me then Bc we weren’t dating and ik he wasn’t meeting up with any of them.

But later on I started to develop feelings and wanted to become BF/GF before going to college so we made it official in July.

Things were still alright by then.

Then in August I recall once we were FT he started talking and swiping on Tinder and telling me about all the profiles he saw and mocking them, continued to do it and I just sat there and said nothing because he knew damn straight it was pissing me off. (Thinking back omg it, who knows if he “unknowingly” flirted w girls at the time, but he acts like he’s a big comedian and couldn’t really get any girls and everything he does is to make fun of or comment on).

The fact that he did that looking back on it made me feel insecure and implanted that thought in my head very deeply Bc who in their right mind would do that?

So then college comes and it seems to be going pretty well, we both were in the same friend group and it was a blast.

Yeah sure we got drunk a few nights and we either had a blast dancing or long ass deep talks.

I recall him talking and asking about the future. It freaked me out because I didn’t really know where I saw myself after college and I can’t think that far ahead.

One time I was able to sneak into his room and we were finally able to be alone and were making out and stuff. And he gave me his shirt to keep which I thought was really nice. Then an hour after we went to meet up with friends and he stopped me and said he wanted to talk. Then he said he wanted to take a break and just go back to being FWB. Which made zero sense to me since he just gave me his shirt??? I think it was for a lot of reasons. He kept saying that college was the place he could finally find himself and his identity which I get. I lowkey felt maybe I was holding him back from certain things like making new friends and such. But we felt like soulmates. He kept thinking maybe we were but it was just the wrong time. (We almost said I love you but realized we weren’t ready for that yet) Because according to him, everyone that ever tried dating first semester of college never worked out and they ended up resenting their ex. And it bothered me that he would listen to those ppl and not to his own heart. He said he felt he wasn’t ready and that by spring he’d definitely be ready but don’t wait for him. Because and this is his words, “if you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be”. He asked me if I was going to be okay and I was a fighter and waited until he left to cry. I think he wanted to see me cry Bc he was holding out for a bit just sitting there with nothing to say.

I think he was also just worried because a week prior I finally worked up the courage to tell him about my dark past with self harm and depression and after 4 years of being clean I had relapsed that summer and he cried with me, the only time I ever saw him cry and he told me it was all going to be okay. I told him during the talk that we should still keep in touch and see where our heads are at a month or two from now. I wanted him to promise me that but we knew it was a half ass promise.

We also had some fights too. Once he tried to dump me completely when we were both really drunk, but I was the most wasted I ever been. He was sitting next to me who was lying down on the grass and I repeatedly kept telling him I was obliterated and not to have this convo rn. But then he kept insisting and left my side. I was so sad and angry. I was crying so hard and pulling the grass out from the ground and almost tried jumping into the lake before my friends had to stop me. I said I wanted to die and was so hurt. It was very ugly. Some of my friends comforted me and I saw him and wanted to run up to him and tell him what a dick he was I was so angry, but he had left. Apparently he was angry drunk and took it out on me.

So when we were sober we talked about it and worked it out. He admitted it was a shitty thing to do while we were both intoxicated. Anyways we agreed on an actual breakup, no friends with benefits but could still be friendly. I really wanted to be friends at least because I trusted him with so much in my life. That was early September. He told me to make a tinder, that he WANTED me to make a tinder, but I wasn’t in the right mental state to do that so fast?? Like i was still hurting??? But a few weeks later I eventually ended up doing so because I wanted to, not because HE told me to. (He said he saw me on it and swiped left lolz).

A few nights later I was trying to do my HW in my dorm alone and all my friends were drinking and partying, I think it was like a Monday? Idk a random weekday and I thought it was gross. However, my roommate wanted water so I brought some out for ppl. Then I saw him there. He was the most drunk I’ve seen him. Everyone else dipped and it was just the two of us. He kept telling me to leave him alone but I had a bad feeling in my gut and wasn’t going to leave him. He said he was fine walking back on his own but I could tell he clearly wasn’t. I let him lay down on the bench because he said he wasn’t feeling good. Then he got up and walked over to the side and fell down like 3 times and threw up for like 10 minutes but I didn’t leave his side. (I mean honestly I should’ve since I just got dumped by him LOL but I couldn’t do that, i would’ve done it for anyone). When he finally stopped I was helping him walk back and he told me was sorry and felt bad about how he treated me and for the shit he put me thru and also fuck everyone else for leaving and noticed how I was the only one who stayed and that he wasn’t gonna remember it in the morning and it sucks how things were gonna go back to normal. He said telling me to leave was just his pride. So anyways I called his roommate and sent him off and apparently he tried calling me when I left but his roommate picked up the phone when I called back and said he’s fine and still throwing up. A small part of me wished and hoped he remembered that I did that for him despite breaking my heart but now I don’t really care anymore.

So life went on and we were each doing our own thing and didn’t talk to each other. I still had his shirt that I never got around to giving back to. (Honestly should’ve burned it but some ppl said that was mean LOL).

So then in mid October I get a text from him asking for the shirt back. I also saw this as an opportunity to talk so I said okay. I asked if we could meet 1-1 (which seems normal but he seemed weirded out by it).

By this point I had really worked on trying to focus on me and was still getting over him, but was in a fwb with someone else (even tho I didn’t develop feelings for them).

Like, it was so hard most days. The first thing when I woke up all the painful memories came rushing back into my head and I didn’t wanna get out of bed and always feared of running into him. I went home for a weekend and passed his town and almost cried.

So anyways we talked and caught up a bit. Apparently he was in a very bad mood that day (lucky me😒) and I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said no so I was like okay. But he kept complaining on and on about it so now I’m just like wtf is it just spit it out already or stfu about it. He asked me if I really wanted to know like dude stop whining and say it stop being a drama queen. So anyways he told me that he caught feelings for someone else and he asked them out and got rejected and took it very personal and that he cried and it was one of the worst days he’s had in awhile. So I’m just looking at him like 😑 like sorry u got rejected but what do u want me to do about it? Lmao. So I was telling him how I’ve been tryna focus on myself and was in a FWB with someone else and he just laughed and was saying I was doing it because I was still in love with him (never said I was Bc we didn’t date that long) and that I was gonna catch feelings for him again and that’s why he didn’t want to be friends anymore. Like excuse ME? Who are YOU to tell me MY feelings?? He was so narcissistic. He would tell me shit like “I don’t resent you but you did this, this, and that” basically sounding like he did resent me. (I’ll explain in the second next paragraph).

He said he we could TRY being friends again (I was only asking at this point for the sake of our friend group) but it would be so weird. A week goes by and I haven’t texted him at all or anything but he snap chatted me saying “I don’t think our relationship is working out even platonically speaking. I feel like the situation surrounding us gives me anxiety and I don’t know if I could be a relatable friend to you. It’s best for me if I cut off contact for a bit if I remove you. No hard feelings.” He didn’t even want to talk thru about it. At this point I was FURIOUS. Because HE’s the one who gave ME anxiety. And now he’s playing the victim??? I was the most angry I’ve ever been and had to let my anger out but my roommate was sleeping so I went outside and it was raining so hard and I just sat on the track at night crying my eyes out and calling my friends unable to breathe Bc of my anger. It was an episode.

Back to the other thing: this dude was the most contradicting person I’ve EVER met. For example, I would be kinda flirty with him in public and want to hold his hand when we were in a group. The next time we were alone he would tell me that he HATES PDA so I was like okay noted and in our friend group just treated him like a friend no touching. Then HE would look to hold MY hand and it made no fucking sense. Like you either like some PDA or you don’t???

Another thing that truly bothered me about him was whenever we were being intimate, we were both virgins and had no experience. So he was a big teaser sometimes and he would try to take my pants off but I wasn’t ready. He kept doing it in a joking matter and I kept telling him no and to stop and was pulling them back up. His claim was that he “just wanted to see” (lmao kid never saw a vagina before like what???😭) but it kinda made me upset because I know we had a very playful relationship but how many times do I gotta say no? (Looking back I know this is a huge red flag but I really tried to be opening minded about him). I know he wasn’t the type to want to take advantage of me or do something i wasn’t ready for because he has said he’s sorry and didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable or do something I wasn’t ready for. It was just annoying how far he tries to take his “jokes”.

So back to the story, it has been weeks and I haven’t seen him or talked to him, (except maybe once he saw me walking in a building and I didn’t make eye contact with him but I can tell he was staring at me the entire time I was walking). So when I did finally see him in November like a week before we were going home, all of our friends were out and I wasn’t giving him no time of day. He kept looking at me and tried to stand next to me twice but I ignored him like he didn’t even exist. So that was basically the last of our interaction.

I’m at home and it’s mid December and I saw one of his best friends who I met ONCE on tinder and bumble. I wasn’t really that into him but I swiped out of curiosity. Apparently he swiped on me both apps first and we matched. I was honestly surprised he remembered me since we met once in july. He wanted to hangout but I just felt so weird about the situation and didn’t want anything to do with my ex so i ghosted him.

I had met another guy from my town and been on a few dates with him so that’s going well. :)

Today is the first day of the spring semester. Last night, I got a text from my ex and I honestly thought it was a joke. I started shaking and had such bad anxiety.

(I know he goes to his upstate house since it’s near the school and it has shitty service). But I’m just shocked. Like everyone knew i was staying home this semester (Bc covid, all classes online, other drama, etc). But why did he feel the need to text me asking that?? He could’ve asked ANYONE else. It was very weird considering how bad we left things. Anyways I felt like there was definitely something more he had to say but hasn’t yet. (Not that I would ever go back to him, but this just caught me completely off guard). Cuz looking back at our texts it was only ME who was making the effort and plans and texting first. So I have no idea what to think of it.

Some of my theories are:

A. Wants to clear the air before next semester (even tho I wasn’t gonna be there)

B. Prob say some shit ab me matching w his friend

C. Admitting he’s wrong and apologize (very unlikely)

D. Tell me he’s “finally ready” even tho I’m over his shit

E. (Someone said he could be drunk texting but nah it’s way too sus since it’s the day before next semester and I’m sure he’s been wasted in the past and hasn’t reached out).

I literally have no idea and overthink everything. Everything is just so fucking weird to me. Especially since he told me he basically resented me I’m shocked he reached out. Honestly I think he probably wanted confirmation I wasn’t going back so he could be thrilled and bang whoever he pleases without worrying about seeing me. But who knows. He hasn’t said anything since and maybe he regretted reaching out but the whole thing seems so odd, especially even more so if he leaves it at that.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read it, I’ve never been able to fully discuss it until now and finally have seen how much I’ve grown from it so far and realized I still have more growing to do.