Kaitlyn • Married 💍 3 Kids🧸 22💖 Winnipeg (04/05/21)👼🏻 Malcolm (07/27/22)🌈 Enzo (10/03/23)🍯 #downsyndromeawareness💛💙 #breastfeedingmama🤱🏻

I am dreading September.

My first baby, first daughter, was due September 19th. I lost her in April. Every day that passes is more difficult than the one before.

My Husband & I have been trying since I stopped bleeding (a week & a half post D&E). No luck.

This is my 4th cycle. 4th month trying.

Period is predicted for September 1st.

My Husband’s birthday is also in September.

It was always a fun month. All the local fairs going on, my favorite season starting, fun little apple & pumpkin festivals beginning.

Now it’s going to be hellish. I know I should stay positive & I know I shouldn’t go into it with a shitty mindset, but that’s where I’m at.

Her father’s birthday is going to pass without her. My birthday is going to pass without her. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. Everything.

The rest of our lives are going to pass with her sitting in an urn & it breaks me to my very core.

It makes me scared of my next pregnancy failing, or what if there never is a next pregnancy? What if that was my only shot & my body let her die? Or worse, what if I get past the 16 week mark with another pregnancy, become hopeful, & lose another baby? There are so many “what if’s.”

I just have to live through it.

Hopefully, next week brings good news. Maybe that will cushion the blow that is September. Maybe it will make it worse. All I can do is hope for the best, even while going through the worst.