I don’t know what to do with my relationship

I apologize in advance that this is so long but I have no one to talk to about this who isn’t just as conflicted as I am, so I need to hear it from people that don’t know us personally.

Thank you if you read this and respond. :)

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he has been very good to me from the start. He’s never disrespected me, he’s kind to me, he’s loyal, we’ve never really had an actual argument aside from some normal disagreements here and there but again, never an actual fight that led to screaming or insulting each other. This is very big to me because before him, I had been in an extremely emotionally-abusive relationship for almost 5 years. Arguments were an everyday thing, I was constantly getting insulted and controlled, I would get cheated on, etc..

So, it’s safe to say that this new relationship has been very good to me. Just a couple weeks ago I had no complaints, I’ve said he is the best thing to happen to me and he has treated me in a way that I never thought was possible after what I went through.

However, lately I’ve been having some doubts about how I feel because my boyfriend and I are in very unique places in our lives. I’m 20 years old, im in college and still living at home. He is 22, recently moved out to his own place, graduated, and is working full-time. For the past year we have had a very healthy balance of how much time we spend with each other while still giving each other the space we need to do what we have to do. We’ve seen each other about twice a week for the most part. Recently though, I don’t feel as close and secure with him as I used to. I feel like he is more focused on himself and bettering his career and doing whatever he can to be successful, which is wonderful and I am happy for him, but it seems like I’m not much of a priority. The only real issue I have had with him is questioning his commitment to our relationship. We have talked about it before and he tells me he feels we are too young to get ahead of ourselves and that we shouldn’t be thinking about marriage or kids or living together any time soon. I agree with him because although I’m a hopeless romantic, I know I’m only 20 and should still enjoy my youth. However, it really gets to me sometimes. It’s not that I want for us to be getting ahead of ourselves that way, but I just wish I saw more anticipation from him in regards to our future. I just wish I had a sense of security that knows this is all for something, not just this mindset where everything is “we will see”.. I’m patient and I give him the benefit of the doubt because it is true that we are young and he is a good man, I’m also more understanding because I’m his first girlfriend so I know it can be overwhelming to think of being more than that when he is still fairly new to this whole dating thing.

His life may be taking an even bigger turn soon because he applied for a government job, which if he gets, would consist of him moving away and traveling. This threw me off so much and made me even more confused, and honestly it kind of really hurt to have him want this when that mean he’d be away from me.

Now I’m at a point where I don’t know what I should be feeling.. I love him, and I know he loves me, but something seems to be missing that makes me feel like I am not content with where we are. Oddly enough, I’ve had many old flings reach out to me lately and try to get my attention again. I have always been loyal to him and I will continue to be, but I am beating myself up about the fact that I catch myself getting excited when they give me attention and there’s that small part of me that wishes I was single so I could have fun and go out with other guys. Yet, I fear if I really was single I would be miserable feeling like I let a good man go all because of my insecurities or something, And I’d be afraid I’d never find someone who treats me like that again.. I don’t know. I am so confused with everything.

My heart keeps telling me that I should keep being patient with him because he has been good to me. I shouldn’t throw it away just to have fun with guys who don’t care about me or all because I was impatient. But then my mind tells me that I shouldn’t settle if I’m not happy. It seems like no matter how I put it, I can’t seem to find the right answer. I’m scared if I leave him I’ll never have something like this again and that I’d be making a mistake. But I’m also afraid to let more time pass if things won’t head anywhere. I’m also starting to feel so shitty about myself for fantasizing about the things I’d want to do if I was single. We’ve been in such a beautiful relationship for this past year but lately I can’t seem to get myself to get over this feeling, and I just feel so sad. I can’t fathom the idea of letting him go because I feel like I need to hold on to someone as wonderful as him, or else maybe I’ll never be that lucky again.. but I also wish I could enjoy my youth more without worrying about someone else’s lack of commitment to me.. I’m so confused.

What would you guys do in this situation? Please help:(