How can I make myself enjoy playing with my toddler?

Question

For starters, I am diagnosed with Bipolar Depression and Anxiety… I take medication and do weekly therapy. So that’s that. Just getting that out of the way before somebody suggests me those solutions. Also, I’m 18w pregnant and that’s not an excuse because I don’t enjoy playing with my kid since he was born. 
I feel like a horrible mother for not enjoying any aspect of motherhood, but I never ever thought I wouldn’t like it. I thought my purpose in life was to be a mom and turns out its not. I do everything for my child, and I force myself to get up and play with him as much as possible. Puzzles, coloring, play doh, cars, and stuff like hide and seek, tickle monster, go for walks… whatever he requests. The issue is: I hate it 😞 
I take him to playgrounds and make my husband do most of the playing because I can’t stand playgrounds… I have to drag myself to play with him and I feel so guilty for not liking it. And sometimes I just can’t do it. I ask him to play by himself because on some days its hard to get out of the couch 😢
You know what makes me have strength to get up? I have to think about bereaved parents, I have to literally imagine “what if today was my last day with my son?” and just by thinking about the amount of guilt I would feel is enough to make me suck it up and play with him for a little while. 
Anyways, I’m just looking for someone that can relate to this, I love my kid more than anything in this world but am I really that awful for not enjoying being a mother? Does it ever get better? Is something wrong with me? How can I change this? Because playing is just one of the things I hate, I also hate having to feed him, bathe him, do bedtime routine and everything else that comes with raising a human being. 
Yes I know I’m pregnant again but it was a mistake and my husband didn’t allow me to get an abortion, he said its our responsibility that we need to deal with, that we wanted another child at some point so my son wouldn’t be alone and that we are adults and have to deal with the consequences of our actions. He guilt trip me into saying that HE wants this baby and I can’t take that away from him because we both did this. And also that he knows me very well and knows that I would never forgive myself if I had an abortion… I just honestly didn’t think I would be so depressed over this pregnancy… 
Ugh, so many issues. I’m so sorry for the long post. I’m already expecting the judgments and hate because seems like thats the norm here. 😣💔
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Just wanted to say a HUGE thank you for the support. I did not expect that at all ❤️ I’m bookmarking this post so I can go back to it when I feel so down like this. Thank you thank you thank you for validating my feelings and making me feel less alone. You guys are angels!

Answer

I’m sorry you’re struggling! 
It’s crazy that if you had a physical illness like a broken leg or arthritis that caused you to not be able to play with your baby, people wouldn’t even question you and would give you sympathy! But if you’re suffering from mental illness and have a hard time playing with your baby, people judge and you feel guilty.
I’m going through the same with depression and anxiety and it makes it so hard for me to have the energy and motivation to play with my daughter, let alone also get all the housework done and try to run a business in the evening when she’s asleep.
Just know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid.

Answer

I will say that it is so hard for me to play with my son. He’s 2 and a half and I’m 28 weeks pregnant. I just think it’s so boring. Sitting on the floor and playing is the worst 🤣 so you’re not alone! I have to force myself, even when I’m not pregnant. 
My husband is much better at playing with our son and I think a lot of it stems from our childhoods. My mother in law and father in law (husbands parents) will sit on the floor with my son for HOURS playing with him. They LOVE it. They did the same with their kids. But I do not have a single memory of my mom or dad playing with me- except the occasional board or card game (and I have an excellent memory). And they don’t play with my son at all. 
I think for me, the key is incorporating my son into things I love. I love to cook and bake, so my son helps me cook dinner everyday and we bake lots of cookies and breads. I also love to be outside, so for me, getting outside when we can helps me a lot. We have a garden and we live on a lake.
You’re not a bad mom! And you’re not alone.

Answer

Just clarifying: BP or BPD? People on this app tend to confuse the two acronyms.

Answer

You’re not alone. I’m not great at playing with my kids either, particularly with toys. They’re both super into pretend play these days and have these elaborate stories that I honestly find so boring or it’s too complicated for me to get it. I try, but they shove me away as soon as my husband enters the room so he can play. I feel bad he doesn’t get many chances to sit back and watch because they demand him to play with them and they refuse me if he’s there. I try to find other ways to “play” with them. Like baking with them, they enjoy that and on my good days I have the patience to do it. Art is also fun because I paint/color my own stuff beside them and take their suggestions for what I should create. My 5yo did papier mache at school recently so I bought a kit for Christmas ornaments we’ll do next week. I like going to a trail or open field instead of playgrounds too. It’s interesting talking to my husband about it—he thinks I’m the “better” parent because I think up these muffins and art stuff for them to do while he just follows them, while I think he’s “better” because he does exactly what they want to do at any moment and can act in their pretend play. So I guess I hope that your partner is helping you fill in your perceived gaps.

Answer

I have a 3 year old and I absolutely hate playing with her. I get bored and the day feels like it doesn't end. I try to fo activities outside the house as much as possible because usually it's something we both enjoy. If we do have to be in the house then I try to give her at least a couple hours where I am fully playing with her and giving her my total attention and the rest of the day I try to find stuff I can do to keep busy but still interact with her. I do admit though some days I just want to be lazy so I let her watch more TV than she should. The point is as adults it hard to play and the older you get the tougher it is gets. Don't beat yourself up. The struggle is real

Answer

First of all, your husband is disgusting.
It is your body, it has never been his right to tell you, that can't have an abortion.
Okay, so I'm glad to hear you're getting treated your depression. That's a good step in the right direction!
I do however wonder if your relationship with your husband is also making things harder than necessary for you. I didn't get a very good impression from this post honestly.
And then I just want to say, it's okay.
I honestly HATE whoever my daughter asks me to do another puzzle and I usually just say no. I try an encourage her to do it alone.
I like going on trips with her. Going around, watching the world, answering her questions. I love going to zoos and tell her about animals. There are things I enjoy, but most toddler play with a play kitchen, cars or dolls just doesn't do anything for me. I'm bores in two minutes. Do you have a hobby you enjoy? Maybe you could color in your own color book while you little one draws? Maybe you can sit close by and crochet fx while your little one holds a tea party. Your child wants time with you.
Try and find something that you enjoy. And know it's okay to say no! It's okay to sit close by and do your own thing. Sometimes they also just want to tell about the thing they're doing.
I hope you feel better soon and at least will throw your guilt away 🙏

How can I make myself enjoy playing with my toddler?

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