My sex life... I am not happy

So as much as I have read about sex and relationships, I seem to be unable to not dig myself into a bigger hole regarding an unhappy sex life.

I have not been having sex with my partner for that long, but we've known each other over a year & a half. The first part of our relationship was long distance.

And it's a very good relationship, it's very healthy & we help each other grow.

I guess it is an odd relationship, in that, we love each other but plan to live fairly independent lives and be more polyam in the future. I think it is hard for both of us to have relationships, and my partner in particular needs to be independent for awhile due to past codependency.

To be honest, I don't think that I would want to actually live together long term (I know their codependent tendencies & don't want to fall into a motherly role with them). But, that seems odd because we get along great, we are very respectful of each other and can both coexist in a situation with limited space happily, and we can take plenty of space otherwise. We don't control each other, and can talk about almost anything.

We are a lot like best friends.

I love my partner very much, and they are also very attractive.

But the problem is the sex life doesn't emotionally satisfy me, it's not that the sex itself is bad, it more that the dynamic around sex makes me feel uncomfortable and undesirable, and then ultimately it's starting to turn me off of sex with my partner. My partner just doesn't ever seem interested, despite being a sexual person and clearly showing me that they are attracted to me.

I don't feel wanted, I don't feel that our sex is very passionate, and I don't think my partner knows what I want when I say I want passion. I feel bored to death- I guess sex is an art to me & used to be important to me and feel special, but now it feels... like nobody wants to fuck, nobody wants to play. It feels like a losing battle, in like every relationship I've had since 2018- which is since my abusive relationship actually.

Maybe part of it is me, and I don't know how to relate in relationships that aren't toxic.

I mean, all I want is to feel like sex is fun? I don't even care about orgasming, I just want to feel like my partner wants to have sex with me.

But I just feel like I am bothering them coming onto them.

I'm also realizing, that my partner is more uncomfortable with sex than I realized. I think I should have realized that I'd be unhappy with the sex, knowing what I know- that my partner is a fantasy addict and has a history of hiding from intimacy due to fearing inadequacy... which, what a self fulfilling prophecy 🙃

So perhaps there is something to my feeling uncomfortable coming onto my partner, because I feel that they are uncomfortable- they are uncomfortable, because they worry about not being enough, in ways that I couldn't care less about- like cumming fast or not getting hard- common fears- but yeah I want passion, something more abstract! Something harder to obtain when the other person is too worried about performance- but sex is play to me, it's not about performance, it's about fun.

And! The performance is fine, it's the lack and limited play I'm unhappy with! It's the lack of emotion! It's the whole thing my partner will choose the time they'll think the least, a time that for me, limits creativity in sex, to have sex- and only do it then, I think trying to appease me- but ugh.

What annoys me more is when they find ways to avoid kissing me and claim it's an accident. They constantly eat garlic now so my partner smells terrible pretty much constantly and I don't want to kiss them. They've been doing that since they realized I hate how it smells on them... and they say they just like it, that it's not me. But I don't know sometimes.

Also! We've both individually spent $100 on sex toys- so it would seem like we'd have more kinky fun? And those sex toys are cool, but pegging my partner never fully worked out- I also think part of this is my partner doesn't really want hetero sex that much- but things with the strap on have also gotten a bit awkward. We both like playing with it, but I think, it's just so rare we ever do anything like that-

It seems like we are both pushing the other away, but ONLY in terms of sex.

The entire mood around sex just feels, uncomfortable for me right now. And annoying. It is annoying, because it's not what I want or would expect from a relationship I'm in. This relationship isn't really about sex, but I just really like sex. And I guess I am mourning what I feel like is my sex life having died. Like it's too early in my life to have such a bad relationship with sex, or a relationship with sex that confuses me.

My partner is really turning me off, and it's not their fault at all. I don't blame them for how they are feeling, like they seem to interpret sex as "an opportunity for failure" which is just so sad to me.

So part of me wants to just turn inwards and just fantasize about another person, because at least desire is easy to cultivate when you don't "have" the desired object & you will not have them. I always fall back on this coping mechanism of having a crush.

My partner knows I'm more polyamourous and accepts that even if we are currently monogamous. And they're the only one who has talked to (and met up with) other people they were crushing on, in this relationship. (I've forgiven them, they were honest when asked.)

I guess the crush idea just makes it a little easier for me to accept that my sex life in this relationship probably will just be difficult for me. I should accept it, since I love my partner and they are always good to me- (they live up to my personal standards well)- but it's just not very easy for me to accept to be honest. I really like passionate and playful sex- it feels like a part of my identity and an expression of vitality, and I don't feel like we will really fix it.