I need help with my 12 year old daughter! Birth control???

Question

She’s very fresh and I found these messages in her phone. What are your views on birth control for her age. She’s not listening and she’s been in therapy before. I plan to start her back. She the oldest sister of 3 on her dad side and with me. I don’t know what to do. Her father barely calls her so there is no real relationship there. I’m currently 8 months pregnant and I’m so stressed! I just want to help my baby so she doesn’t make bad decisions. She allows these boys to call her bitches and all. Even the young girls she is friends with are fresh and they send twerking videos. It’s insane. I’m very open and honest and I talk to her but she doesn’t get it.
I’ve been very open and honest with her. I haven’t shown her videos on STDs and teen pregnancy yet but I plan to. It is not my goal to pick her up but she’s clearly irresponsible. I have given get many chances with the phone. So I refuse to just pay a bill and allow her to make inappropriate tictoks and sexting and talking to strange men online so I’m not giving her the phone back! I will try to find an old flip phone she can use to communicate with family but she won’t have access to all that other mess for now.
Yes that is some type of virtual game but she talks to this boy on the phone too on FaceTime so I have no clue if they ever had sex. I hope not but I plan to find out. For those of you that think letting her keep a phone and buying her stuff for Christmas is a good idea I disagree! I’m not rewarding bad behavior and her school grades suck to. She has so many zeros she just don’t do her work. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions
****Yes it’s some sort of number virtual game but I still don’t want my daughter talking about sex. Clearly her mind is there so I need to intervene more now and be more direct with her. I plan to take her to a doctor and go from there

Answer

So... this is a game. There are apps (I think a popular one is called Second Life and others are like the Sims) where you have virtual lives. “You finna be off for 6 months” - he’s worried she’s not logging in regularly. “Give me 5 min” - unless he’s literally her next door neighbor that wouldn’t make sense. He’s asking for time to get on the game. “Invite me somewhere” - she’s asking his character/avatar to invite her’s somewhere to initiate their “romance”. 
I could be completely wrong but as someone who has played many games/apps, I’m pretty sure this is a VR game they’re talking about. Definitely still talk to her about safe sex considering she wants her character to have sex, but I wouldn’t panic just yet.

Answer

Does she play online games? When he says "give me 5" I'm assuming he's not 5 minutes away from her. Then when she says "invite me somewhere" it sounds like game talk. She might not be having actual sex but might be a virtual bf. I used to be huge into online virtual games like meez, imvu, etc. as a teen. This conversation is reminding me of that.  Especially with her being 12. Do you really think they are meeting at that time of night? Let her know that you're setting up parental controls and that she will have an early curfew from electronic devices if she keeps this up. But definitely find out if this is a gamer friend or real life person she knows.

Answer

Talk to her about setting boundaries and talk to her about sex. Let her know there’s no rush to have sex at her age. She’s still growing and navigating into her teen years. 
Taking the taking the phone away for a while is a temporary fix. Having honest conversations with her will probably be more impactful. Also you probably should reach her safety on the internet cause you don’t truly know who the person on the other side of the screen is.

Answer

I think you’re definitely on the right step getting her back into therapy.  I would 100% get her on an implant of some sort, nexplanon like the other posted suggested is probably your safest bet since it’s in the arm and not the uterus.  An IUD can easily be removed at home if someone is determined enough to do so.  Is there anything that has caused this behavior?  I know you said her dad isn’t really involved, but that’s still behavior way beyond her years.  Is it just the friends group she is part of?

Answer

I agree with talking to her more about and taking the phone away and therapy like you said. However I’m gonna have to say I’m against putting her on bc. maybe you can find a good one with her doctor but my mom put me on bc at 13 and I hated it. I never felt more out of control of my emotions in my life and my mood swings were everywhere. 
I would take the door off her room too. (That’s what my mom did when she found me talking to strangers online. She also picked random times of day to grab my phone and search through it. I also lost it at 7pm.) 
Also your daughter could be doing this stuff just because her friends do and not fully understanding what she’s doing. I knew about sex when I was that young but had no interest in actually doing it. But my friends would “play house” including pretending to have sex and all types of inappropriate things.

Answer

I would sit down and talk to her. I knew about sex at this age, didn't want to do it or anything like that, but an open and honest relationship with my mum prepared me to talk to her when I was ready and allowed me to make good choices like birth control that was right for me. 
This may be alarming language, but I doubt very much she understands the full implications of what she is saying. That's where you come in with education. There's no point just throwing birth control at her, she needs to know that pregnancy isn't the only or worst thing she could catch. 
Talk to her about barriers for STI/Ds, talk about consent in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. Talk about her pleasure and about the feelings she might have. Talk about the consequences of STIs if left untreated (infertility etc). Talk to her about all the different kinds of birth control and then help her monitor the one she chooses to see if she need s a different one. 
Talk to her about predators, about being used for sex, about owning her own body. 
I lost my virginity at 15, and I swear, my mum being transparent and calm and informative is what made me the strong, sexually confident and safe woman I am today. I have never had an unplanned pregnancy, I have exercised my right to say no, I have never caught an STI and I have had many sexual partners. Education is the very best tool at your disposal here. 
Because as hard as it is seeing your baby start thinking of those things, locking her away or punishing without education is only going to make her resentful, sneaky, and unsafe.

Answer

I'm sorry you're going through this, 12 is so young, I didn't even know what sex was at that age. But she seems very adamant on what she wants to do so I agree with others with getting her on BC asap and blocking the numbers of these boys who clearly don't respect her. There's only so much you can do as a parent to protect your child but you're on the right path, she may not like it now but when she gets older she'll be grateful you cared enough to step in and take action.

Answer

Definitely get her back into therapy. Since this is just a game, in your talks ask about if she has been sexually active and if she's using protection. Make sure she has access to condoms & I would take her to the doctor & let her talk with him/her about non hormonal birth control options. If she's been sexually active, make sure she gets tested as well. It's not optimal for her to be having sex so soon, but better to be safe at least if she is. If it's only virtual games that she's talking like this in, take a step back. Talking too much can be just as bad as not talking enough. Make sure you spend time listening as well. When I was younger, virtual games were a good place for me to explore my sexuality & learn more about sex in general. It felt like a safe space for me. As long as you've taught her about how to be safe both online & in person, all you can do is trust she can take care of herself & will come to you if she needs help. Always make sure she knows you are a safe place.

Answer

Taking the phone away/only allowing it to be used while around you would be the first step.
Then I'd sit and talk with her about STDs, pregnancy and how difficult having a baby is, her emotional well being, what a healthy relationship is, and the age of consent. I'd also immediately put her back in therapy.
With her behavior and if she had problems listening, I'd even consult with ger therapist on whether or not a boarding school would be good for her. They have ones for troubled kids.

Answer

Uhmmmmm hell no she’s 12? Nope nope nope. Take that phone away, if she’s talking like that I can only imagine what she’s sending to guys. I would definitely put her on birth control because who knows what she’s doing behind your back 🤦🏾‍♀️

I need help with my 12 year old daughter! Birth control???

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