I think I'm the toxic one

no judgment please!

I've been in a relationship with my man for over 3 years , I love him so much and I plan on marrying him some day and I definitely want a family with him... the thing is, when we argue, I can admit that I can be really toxic , but at the same time he literally pushes me to a point that I snap, I'm so embarrassed to even say how low I've stooped because of me being toxic.

I want to work on myself, I really hate being this way. I feel like old shit he's done to me in the past triggers me and makes me like this, I was never ever like this with any guy I've dated before, I was always chill and passive, I would always avoid arguing. but now that all changed. I want to change because I think about our future, I don't want to raise our babies in a toxic environment. My parents have an extremely toxic relationship and i don't want to end up like that . I realize my actions are wrong , and I feel so embarrassed for it, I want to change but I don't know where to start.

I know it's easy for other people to say just break up with him or etc, but I actually want to change, I've never physically hit him or anything like that, but my words cut deep and I know I can really hurt his feelings. I even tried therapy but it works for a while but I just end up losing my shit again.

I need advice.

And please no harsh comments, I feel crap enough.