I’m not okay, mentally..

Raising two babies is hard, on my own.. I try asking my family for help but they have kids of their own and most of them are always drunk or high.. their dad can’t help becuz he’s been charged for abusing us.. and his family obviously don’t help becuz Im the bad guy to them.. they told me to leave them alone.. it’s been so hard becuz I never get my own time, I have babies jumping on me and pulling at me and crying and screaming and I’m losing my mind.. I can’t do this alone anymore.. my house is a mess, I can’t throw out garbage with them because it’s so cold outside and the bins are far away from here “apartment” I can’t afford a baby monitor, because my power bill is always outrageous.. I get irritated at my kids for being all over me I get sensory overload and exhausted, I have a bad tooth ache from a bad tooth falling part but I missed twelve appointments and not allowed to book their anymore because of that and it’s because I never had childcare, so I lashed out at the front desk lady.. my son is going through a phase hitting me and the baby and I’m always yelling at him but he just gets worse.. and I hate it because his dad was abusive to me so having someone who likes just like him hitting me is triggering.. I’m so depressed.. I feel trapped.. I feel like nobody loves my babies as much as I do and I even tried getting them in daycare but they got kicked out right away because we caught covid.. I can’t even shop or go for a walk because they throw tantrums and it’s always cold like -35 outside.. I’m scared to talk to anyone because what if they get taken away from me.. I love them so much but I’m so mean I’m always yelling.. I’m never happy.. I’m having thoughts of them being better off with me..