I wish I had never met you.

I wish that I had never met you. I remember when everything was so good, when I was so happy with you. I loved you so much, and you knew it too.

I loved you so much that it poisoned me because I still stayed after I found everything out. I wish I could go back in time to being oblivious and unaware and just soak you all in.

I wish you could feel how it felt. When I found out, In seconds, I felt the part of me that loved you so much die forever. I loved you innocently, and I loved you well. It was sudden, abrupt, it shook me to my core. I wasn’t strong enough to just leave, I wasn’t prepared to leave? I was inlove and happy and then it was just gone? Just like that? So I stayed and tried to work through the pain you caused and it just turned me toxic. I had so much pure hatred towards you.

And in the end you had the audacity to say you couldn’t wait to do all this to me. You couldn’t wait to completely destroy me. But that was only at the beginning, then you fell inlove.

Imagine thinking it makes you tough to live a life without love. Imagine thinking you are hard for emotionally damaging another human being. That’s sad as fuck. It’s weak and cowardly, what’s tough is still being a human being after what you’ve done. What’s tough is allowing myself to feel every bit of this pain as it rolls around in my core like a handful of razor blades tearing me apart and lm still standing, still full of so much love to give. Absolutely refusing to let the pain you cause be the end of anything but my love for you. You are a sad little boy who desperately sought out the love he was never given and now you think that you have to hurt everyone like you have been hurt. How sad is it that the first girl that would never hurt you the way you hurt me is the only girl you decide you’re gonna feast on like a fucking psychopath that thinks emotionally abusing someone is top notch masculinity. You weird fuck.

I left but sometimes I come to visit, to see if there’s anything left. To see if there is anything inside of me left to kill off like a disease.

And the last time I did, I looked at your face, and I thought to myself “if I ever want better for myself, I have to leave and never look back.” But then I looked more and the idea of saying goodbye to this part of my life causes me to ache. So I kissed you and took it all in. But I have to, I have to say goodbye at some point and close the door and reserve the space I made for you inside my soul to a place of memories.

I know your little bitch ass caught feelings even though it was never your goal, and that the reason you did everything is because you’re weak and self destructive and have literally never been loved in your life. I know your messy shit stems from pain. That deep down you have always been way more vulnerable than you ever laughed about me being. But, it is not my job to teach you how to love. It is not my fault that you destroy everything you touch. You are a grown ass man.

I know it will hurt when you never see me again. I look at you knowing I have to go and I stare to memorize every part of your face, because regardless of it all you are one of the greatest loves of my entire life and life is fleeting, short. So I will savor every moment I can of this left over love before I finally put it to rest.

I would say I wish you the best but I really don’t. I hope you continue to desperately search for the love you’ve sought out your entire life, the love I freely gave you that you took advantage of and fed off of instead of cherishing. I hope my face haunts your dreams and that you search for me in the eyes of every woman you meet. I hope you ache for anyone to look at you the way I used to look at you, and I hope they never do.

I do hope that nobody ever does you the way you did me though. It was not just that you cheated. It’s that you played me like a cruel joke and literally made fun of the fact that I loved you behind my back because you got off on the idea of hurting me. And then your stupid ass fell inlove and I found everything out.

I really wish you were who you said you were, because I really loved that person.

This person though, I wish i never fucking met.

I have to go, I have to shut the door. Because I need better than any of this. I was a masterpiece you failed to admire and that’s all on you.

You wrote me a shitty little song and you sang “she was beautiful and loved me well and is the purest soul I’ve ever met but I killed the light in her eyes and all I want is for her to look at me like that again.”

It broke my heart for you as much as it broke mine, because you’re seriously a dumbass.