i don't really know anymore

lately I've been really unhappy with my relationship.

so much so that if we didn't have a child I think I wouldn't still be in this mess.

I feel like I'm being emotionally abused. But considering his responses I think he thinks I am emotionally abusing him. I am not. Or not intentionally anyways? either way, when he's yelling at me and I get worked up and I raise my voice he shuts me down immediately because he can yell at me but I can't yell back because my voice carries further (according to him) and the neighbors might hear it and might think that he's a bad person. (So he makes it about a third person judging HIM?!?!) and when I cry because I literally can't do anything else because having a normal conversation with him is often not possible because when he's wrong he has this mechanism of not backing down but to push through even when he knows he's wrong. and he tells me he's physically unable to apologize afterwards. So when I cry he tells me I'm manupulating him and he won't feel sorry for me or whatever. But I can't MAKE myself cry it just happens.. idk... but it's not meant as manipulation.

We don't fight very often.. and when we don't fight we're usually fine, we get along great we joke a lot.

He's definitely financially abusive. I've taken up loans upon loans to pay for him and his children and his child support etc. (he will make me feel like I'm a bad stepmom and I don't care about him or his children's wellbeing if I don't take out this or that loan... I had a bad stepmom when I was a kid and I want his kids to have a happy home here, unlike I did when I was a kid, he never tells me this literally but he refers to the kids' happiness and sense of security etc when he "needs" me to take a loan) and whenever I do so he convinces me to take more than he needs to fill up one of the loans I have going but when I do he finds other ways to spend the money otherwise so I'm now in a deep loan pit. I'm not in the US and we don't have credit score. Having loans is really not a good thing. yes we get them paid off every month but we're at this point where I can't pay the loans in my name off with my own paycheck alone, which means that I cannot leave whatsoever.

When his kids are here, I notice he's picking fights a lot more often but I can't even respond because he tells me that I make his kids feel anxious because the kids think I will be leaving them. I have noticed though that his kids are anxious because he will drive me away. Like when he's being an ass to me about something.. his eldest (16) would sometimes tell his dad to look at himself and maybe he's the issue. (not in those words but I don't want to explain the entire situation)

It does play into it. I love these kids, I have loved them since the day I met them (almost 8 years ago) and I don't know if I can leave them.

And leaving him will mean that I'll have to miss my son quite often. While I am now 100% here for him, day and night, and my partner doesn't really see him as often normally, he will probably go for 50/50 custody, and courts here are very eager to go with that. I am not sure I can deal with that.

Anyways I am now sending my partner away to his friends often.. he's like "ohwyeah! my woman lets me go fishing and sleepovers with my best friends, partyyy! (& my friends are so jealous)" but honestly I'm just not in the mood to be around him. I don't really send him away but he asks me to go and I'm like sure go ahead 🤷‍♀️ then he goes "you're the best, babe!"

@Casey

I really do not have the means to leave. I can't apply for DV or whatever. I can't even pay for my loans monthly, that means that I won't be able to take care of my child's very much basic needs (rent, food, water, electricity, diapers,...)

@mommaof4

I honestly don't know. I was looking for counseling for myself but we can't afford it.