Absent dad

Hi all. Little bit of venting session, but feedback, advice, similar situations are welcome! I have a 9 week old baby girl (born 6 weeks premature due to preeclampsia). I feel like I’ve been in survival mode in terms of getting through my days since early in the pregnancy and in many ways due to my relationship with my husband which I believe affects my physical and mental health. I didn’t realize how unhealthy I was until I was admitted to the hospital and told by the doctors how bad I was. I’ve been watching my husband spiral out of control for months now with alcoholism and depression, with him blaming this on the loss of our close friend 2 years ago to suicide and his ex suddenly moving out of state with his kids shortly after that (no custody arrangement has ever been done and he’s refused to pursue with my help). He kept promising to stop drinking once the baby was here (I knew this wasn’t going to happen, but I was at least hoping for a reduction), and that he was going to be super involved like he said he was with his kids when they were babies. Now that she’s here, not only did I feel abandoned while we were in the hospital, but he takes off to get drunk all the time now. I can’t depend on him for any help with her and to be honest I really don’t even trust him to even hold her out of fear of him stumbling and hurting her. We fight like crazy (my goal has been to not react and leave the area when he tries to pick a fight…working on it). He’s stated multiple times that he’s afraid I’m going to take his daughter away from him, to which my response is that I love him and don’t intend to, but I don’t want her to grow up in an unsafe and toxic environment. After taking off one night a couple of weeks ago, he came back saying he wanted to go to couples therapy and that he knew his drinking was a big contributor to our problems and that he wanted to work with a therapist he’d known since before we were together. I agreed and he said he reached out to her. I’ve asked a few times since then and there’s always an excuse as to why he hasn’t contacted her. It seems like every couple of weeks if not more, he’ll take off, get hammered and then come home apologizing and saying he wants to work on it (he usually says he talked with someone and they gave him advice). Last night was another repeat. He picked a fight when he got home (this fight was over using bottled water for formula rather than tap) and then said he left so it didn’t escalate. He came home stumbling and apologizing and when I didn’t accept his apology, he threatens to go away forever (suicide threat, which is also common). This time, the friend he was with (who I actually think could be a good influence) shows up and says he forgot his phone in my husbands truck and then came in to check on me. He then talks my husband down a little and then asks me to give him a free pass for a few days and he would try to work with my husband). I said ok and left it at that. Afterward, my husband talks to me and I just listen (my sympathy is practically nonexistent because we’re just constantly in this repeating cycle), but I don’t react or say anything negative because I know he’s hurting, missing his kids and feeling guilty for having another and that’s why he hasn’t made much of an attempt to be involved with her. He will tell me what to do with her but make no attempt to do it himself or help and then he’ll get mad at me saying I don’t let him have a say on anything. My parents have noticed this behavior and the effect it’s having on me and have asked me to go to their house in attempts to make him snap out of it and step up. I’ve deliberately kept a lot of these problems from them so they don’t look at him negatively, but they’ve noticed just from being around a little more since the baby was born. I’ve told my parents that I feel like if I leave, then I’d have an even harder time forgiving him. I haven’t told them that I honestly feel like he would do a complete spiral and that’s something I am afraid of too. Another issue going on is that for the first time in our whole relationship, I’m not able to pay all the bills with my income so he’s needing to work harder to make money (self-employed). I told him during the entire pregnancy that we needed to save money to prepare for this and he refused to save any of his earnings (most of mine pays our bills so not much left to save). Now the time is here, and he’s stressed and saying how he has to pay all the bills.