***ADVICE PLEASE ***

I 21(f) and married to 31(m) well call him J. J and i have been together for 3 years, married for 1.5 and recently welcomed our newborn son (5 weeks). The entire relationship to be honest was rocky from the beginning but for whatever reason I held onto hope that things would change and get better. He struggled deeply with alcoholism and was “not nice” so say the least when he was. The drinking spells would last 2-4 days at minimum. The duration of my pregnancy was horrible, he would deny his son was his, call me names, go drinking for days. I would go to work, come home and drive 50 minutes to my mom everyday until 9pm then drive back just to avoid him and how truly nasty he would get. On the other hand, when alcohol wasn’t involved he truly was an amazing man and gave me love.

Something to keep in mind is HE always told me during our arguments that if I EVER spent the night elsewhere, the relationship would be done without question. So no matter how unsafe I felt I always came home from my moms.

Fast forward to my son 5 weeks. We’re staying at my moms to “save money” but in reality I was so anxious about him not changing and having to pack up my newborn with me when something goes wrong that I bullshitted my way into convincing us to move into my moms. During these times he has not gone drinking, our lives have been somewhat happier and I became hopeful again. But, I have become the sole caregiver of our son. Despite being married, I have done 100% of the work just to avoid him getting angry with our son when he cries. I’ve been dealing with deep depression but have held it in due to him starting an argument with me when I share my feelings. Telling me “it’s not fair for you to be depressed. If I can’t drink, you’re not allowed to be depressed”

When I share my emotions, cry, become frustrated or ANYTHING that is not happy. I’m “abusive” “manipulative” “stupid” “psychotic” among other things. I admit I get frustrated and angry when we have arguments, but he uses these words to truly get under my skin

Yesterday he blew up because he wanted to go to the bar after not drinking for 5 weeks. Telling me he works, and I don’t (I’m on maternity leave) so he supports us and is a man and is going to do whatever he wants.

He did not come home.

I told him he always told me that if I did not come home the relationship was over with no questions asked, and I will hold him to his own standard.

I put his work clothes outside, he walks away from his wife and son, he walks away with nothing but the clothes on his back.

Am I wrong?