Wine anyone?

Anyone here find yourself in a toxic relationship.. with yourself? 🙋🏻‍♀️ That would be me, I’m starting to learn. And my dear friend Wine 🍷 has downright misled me. After the pandemic started, I was hanging out with said friend (Wine) almost daily after work. To get through it, ya know? To feel like life wasn’t so bad, and to feel like I was celebrating something (but, what I wonder?) I was working from home by myself, paranoid to touch the mail, it was the early days, as it were. 2020 never really happened or happened and I missed it, not really sure. It was survival. But now that 2021 is done and 2022 is more than halfway through, I still find I’m hanging with my old friend Wine when the days are tough/lonely/frustrating/depressing/it’s the weekend/ any reason really. At first, it was like ok, pandemic, working from home isn’t so bad, but then Wine started showing up to hang out around 3. Then it became closer to noon. Found myself drinking an entire bottle before my boyfriend got home, so then it became 2 bottles by the end of the night. And even though we made it to the other side of the pandemic, I’ve kept a lot of those frequent wine dates with myself.

And, here I am. Turned 40 a few months ago. I have a masters degree, I’m a designer and I have my own studio at home, working for myself. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years and although not married (🙄) we are TTC. We have a great relationship. I really am so lucky!

But anyway, in the last 3 months, I have severely distanced my relationship with Wine (because TTC), but haven’t cut it off altogether. I read a few books (‘We Are The Luckiest’ is so good) on sobriety. I just can’t seem to let go of it completely. I have a couple people I know that quit drinking (like quit quit for real) and they seem so happy! But I don’t know why it is that I can’t let go of it, maybe it’s fear? Fear that I won’t be cool or fun or be able to socialize with my boyfriend, or anyone for that matter? How will I relax at the end of the day? I have dealt with the symptoms of major depression, anxiety, and PTSD most of my life. In all honesty, if I read my story in some book somewhere I’d be like damn girl, get it! Way to go! It’s been a rough road and I’m proud of everything I have accomplished. Years and years of therapy and medication has gotten me through it.

It’s just still so. hard. Why is this so hard? At the moment, I still find that I can easily have 4 glasses of wine in an evening. (However, I refuse to finish a single bottle of wine in one day now.) But, I want to be able to have one glass at dinner and be like, I’m good! Wine? Oh, maybe I’ll see her on the weekend.. if I feel like it.

Anyone with me? Anyone brave enough to admit they’ve been duped by their friend Wine, too? 💋