Needing your opinion/advice...

Hi. I am 28. Married for 4 years but with my husband for 14. 2 children, 4 and 5.

I was so young when we first started seeing each other and I had a rough childhood, didn't know any better but I'm finally grown and realizing so much.

I think he may be a narcissist but I'm not completely sure. I always thought I had a lot of empathy, and no good boundaries I'm finding out.

He likes to flirt. Maybe it's his personality. Idk. But he also has lied to me, has a problem with porn (like bought live web cams of women while I was pregnant), and honestly I have so little trust for him that it wouldn't surprise me if there was so much more. I thought it was all in the past.

Some background to what lead me up to where I am currently..

When I was 21 he was cheating on me with this girl. I left for 6 months but of course ended up back, thinking everything was going to change (and it did for a while).

We have a good life otherwise. Nice house and nice jobs. Amazing kids. Good family.

This past Thursday he had went to hang out with his friend at the friend's house and came home around midnight.

Next day I had to work but we talked multiple times via text and phone. He also made breakfast before work.

When I was at work I was scrolling snapchat and came across this video of the girl who he cheated on me with. In the video she said hi to my husband and my husband said hi back. Flirty way too. The video ended.

1) I didn't know he wasn't the bar. Then to find out like that. Hit me in the guts.

He is adamant he did nothing wrong. He's mad at whoever took the video. He said sorry but I just don't think he is understanding the gravity of it. He said he stopped for a beer and left and she was outside and said hi in passing by.

Anyway. I've been contemplating divorce.

But... it's all so much. I've also contemplated whether it would be easier to just die.

I don't have a plan and probably couldn't bring myself to do it. Obviously I love my kids. I've been so on edge I haven't been the best mom to them either, just cranky.

I feel like I'm stuck and don't know anything other than him, been with him more than half my life.

I fantasize about my own house and making it on my own but getting there scares me. I know how manipulative and mean he can be from when I left the first time and we didn't have kids then. It might send me over the edge if I left and he pulled all the bullshit stuff I see other women go through.

If you've read this far thank you.