Relationship fight
Hello, I don’t know what to do so I’ll go straight to the point. I’ve been leaving in Germany for a little over a year and I’ve been with my bf for about 3 months. He’s German. When we met I told him I feel very insecure about my German (which I’ve been learning for over a year, maybe almost 2) and I asked if it’d be okay to speak English. He said it was no problem. So we did that, we got to know each other in English and started dating in English. Everything was fine until later on it started to become a problem. When we would go out with his friends they would seem annoyed about “having” to speak in English or even straight up just talk in German. I never complained about it, after all they don’t have to do anything for me and I understand that they prefer speaking their own language, but my boyfriend started expressing his discomfort about this situation because he wants me to get along with his friends and if I don’t participate of the conversation, then we don’t get to know each other. I’m very shy and insecure, he met me like that too. It took time for me to really feel completely comfortable with him. On top of that, I feel very left out by his friends because they always act like it’s a problem to speak English (even though they speak it) or try to force the German out of me. He also realized that his friends prefer to speak in German so he started pushing me to speak it too. Then he said we should set up a date and that in two weeks I’d speak only in German with him. I agreed. I really wanted to get to the point where I can cross the language barrier and people don’t feel uncomfortable with me anymore. These past few days the family of my only friend here came over to visit her. We’re both Latin American and so is her family, so I told my boyfriend about what a great time I spent with them and he said that was great and that he wished I was the same with his friends.
I felt really sad about that because even though I’m really shy and socially awkward, I have actively tried to bond with them, I’ve gone to the parties, but every time it’s like they’re just so indifferent to the fact that I can’t really participate if they only speak German.
I have to say that they say they think my German is good enough and I should just speak it, also that I should practice, which is a great point, but the thing is… I do practice. I HAVE to speak German in any other situation in my life (bank, supermarket, talking with the landlord, work, etc) and I know how frustrating it is not always being able to say what you want or not understanding and feeling stupid. Just nodding and hoping that wasn’t an open question. I know English is not my first language, but I’ve studied it for so many more years and I feel a lot more comfortable with it. To me, speaking English with my boyfriend makes me feel comfortable and understood because I know I can say exactly what I mean and I know exactly what he’s telling me.
Anyway, yesterday was the day I needed to start speaking English with him and I totally broke down. I felt so frustrated and powerless because I knew I had made a promise and I wanted to keep it, but the German just wouldn’t come out of my mouth. He was angry because he said we had a deal, which I completely understand. But I explained to him that I can’t do it right now, he wasn’t having it. I felt really misunderstood and, I have to admit, I screamed saying “you don’t get it! I can’t communicate in German like this, I wish I could, but I can’t. And I’m sorry it is such a problem for you and every single one of your fucking friends”
Then I just broke down crying even more and I apologized for not keeping my part of the deal. He said, don’t worry, it’s fine, you can take your time. And I said, please don’t say it’s fine, I’m really sorry I’m not keeping my part of the deal. But he kept on saying it was fine, so okay. Today in the morning he told me to not scream at him again and I said, you’re right, I’m really sorry. Then he kept on saying “yeah? But don’t do it again”. Oh, he also asked me not to say his “fucking friends” and I said okay. Right after, he said something like “and you shouldn’t make deals that you can’t keep” and I started crying again. I have to say, I was upset. I told him that yesterday I apologized like a million times and every time he said it was fine. Now, he’s changing that. He said he didn’t mean it like that, but it’s always the same. He never means it like that, he doesn’t mean it like that when he said I should be “the same way with his friends” either. I told him I was shy with this Latin American family too, but the difference was that they constantly included me in the conversation which helps me be able to participate, plus obviously the language.
Anyway, he said he just meant that if I feel uncomfortable with the deal, then I shouldn’t make it, which is true, but he needs to remember that I’ve been feeling very pressured by him and his friends and he was even the one setting up a date. Again, I wanted to by now be able to speak German fluently with him and everyone else, but unfortunately I’m not there yet. Long story short, I had to leave his apartment because his friend was coming over to study and do some assignment. I had been and was still crying so I got ready fast and the friend wouldn’t find me like that. Then I said I was leaving and he said “you will leave without a kiss?” And I said “yes” he said “are you serious?” And I said “I just can’t right now.” So he said “okay.”
Every time I try to explain my feelings I’m just “sensitive” or I cry a lot or I should just get past my insecurities and speak German.
So what do you think? I don’t know when we’ll talk again, so in a few hours or at night, but I want to know what other people think, so I’m not unfair to him. I don’t want to behave like an asshole. And I’m really sorry I caused all of this. Like I said, I really wish I could speak fluent German, it’s just not the case. And I don’t know what to do because now it feels like it is a very big deal to him and his friends.
Sorry I wrote a lot.
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