I’m engaged, pregnant and utterly devastated

Hi everyone, I would like to vent and if someone would like to give me some advice, I would really appreciate it.

My boyfriend (38) and I (31) got engaged on January 20th of this year and since then everything had been a golden dream in which we constantly talked about our wedding, about the savings we would make this year to get married next one and to give a deposit for a property, get a new car and endless things and plans…

But on February 12th we found out we are pregnant (I’m 5 weeks now) And since then everything has been a torment for me because I don't feel ready to have a baby. I don't feel ready neither psychologically nor financially.

This year I wanted to dedicate it to finding a better job and advancing in my career; I wanted to save money, enjoy my life and friendships before getting married; but above all, to try my best to create a solid financial ground on which we could consider having children in about two years, since it is something that we both dream of.

But the truth is, I'm devastated. I feel guilty for considering abortion since it is not that I am pregnant from a random guy: he is the love of my life and whom has decided to support me whatever I decide, however, deep down in his heart he does want to have the baby for valid reasons. He is older than me and more financially more stable than I am and he has told me that if we decide to have it, he is happy to provide, support and give everything he can to me and the baby, even though it would not be easy at all. But I don't want to depend 100% on him since my personal fulfillment is also important to me (career wise) , and with this baby I feel that it will be very difficult to return to where I was since I changed careers and moved country three years ago and I barely have 1 experience on this one, plus I don’t have a contract (I’m a freelancer) and I wouldn’t get any sort of maternity leave or financial support.

On the other hand, I never dreamt of being at my own wedding taking care of a baby. I had such high expectations of my hen do and the wedding itself and it tears me apart to see all the “Congrats on your engagement” cards sitting on our fireplace and bottles of wine we've received for our engagement… bottles I can't even drink. Cards I can’t even look at without busting into tears.

I don't know, guys. These days I am a sea of tears and I feel selfish and guilty (although I know it is not like that) for wanting to put my desires and expectations first, however I recognize that it would not be the end of the world if we had it, but I am afraid of getting into something so deep without having planned it and that can lead me to a crisis that ruins our connection and everything beautiful that we had built. But on the other hand, if we have an abortion, I'm also afraid that our relationship might be affected by it.

I don't know what to do, but we still have time to think about it. Meanwhile it's consuming me.

Thanks for reading and I love you.