I’m Doing It To Myself

I’m more upset with myself for even thinking that this would possibly make him want to change more for the better but everything is still the same. My bf or I honestly don’t even know what to call him anymore other than by his first name, makes it seem like I’m instantly supposed to be okay or happy with him after finding out he was basically cheating on me A MONTH AGO (not physically but cheating is still cheating imo). I was honest with him about how I no longer hold any words or promises to him and that yes a part of me does not believe anything that comes out of his mouth or expect absolutely anything from him anymore. I left a week ago (my mind checked out long before that sadly) and when I told him the news (🤰🏽) he was going on, messaging, and calling about wanting to be there for me and support me, but I’ve built the thickest wall, I can’t even remember who I was before him, but my emotions and even mental state have been drained by him. I don’t even remember what it’s like to even just feel. 😞

I know he says he wants to support me, but a big part of my mind keeps telling me you were never there for me for an entire year and some months and each time he asked what he could do to change things, I told him…for an entire year and when he recently asked again I told him exactly that. I have never been first in his life and the only time I actually got to spend with him, was in my car when taking him somewhere, later in the evening once he was done hanging with his friends, or when he would say he wants to go out and do something with me, have me show up only to sit in his house. I don’t mind sitting in the house, but I also can’t keep watching him jump for others that have never done anything for him while I ask for simple things that shouldn’t even need to be asked for. I brought this to his attention each time he would ask and ofc he gets mad, starts an argument and goes on to tear me down. It got to the point where the last time it happened I told him, “ I hear you.” And just left. He asks more than once “if I’m such a big disappointment, never put you first, and just don’t do anything for you, then why even bother with me.” It’s not easy to walk away, but it always hurts more when I stay…i honestly don’t know what to do or even thinking anymore. He’s no longer my first priority (I was never even his)

It’s always been easier for him to let me go compared to the people that practically tell him he’s nothing and spit in his face. Why do people let go of those who show that they are truly there for them as a person and keep the ones that drain them of all they have, leaving them with nothing each time? I don’t understand and I think I just need to stop trying to, but it’s easier said than done…

There was so much I could say back to him and I mean SO MUCH to hurt him like he did me, but I didn’t and it’s even harder not to now. I supported myself before the relationship, during, and I feel like I’ll still be doing that on my own.