Sex and Masterbation in Marriage

How would you handle this? Been married for many years. Share many children. I have always had a higher sex drive (since getting married) So my husband isn’t always willing. So I tend to just take care of it myself. Recently he got mad at this and said I am being selfish and that when I do that I’m choosing to be selfish instead of grow closer to him. But if he constantly rejects me, what does he expect exactly? I just don’t get it. He claims he “never does that” and has said this for years. I caught him ONE time in the shower doing that and he got pretty upset and said it was just “a compulsion” and got pissed if I ever even brought this up. I couldn’t care less if he wants to do that, but of course, I would rather have sex…. But I feel like this is a pattern and I just figured out how to cope. PS, I literally never turn him down for sex so this isn’t some weird power struggle. (He isn’t open to using toys during sex, either). I don’t know what to do exactly. I feel frustrated and hurt bc last night I put on a cut see-through chemise and he was not interested and even picked a fight with me saying I was demanding. Just really sick of his shit honestly. I don’t know what I want… just to vent, I guess. Oh and he accused me of “not being a team player” and I just don’t see why he says stuff like this bc I am a stay at home mom and I do most of the housework, cooking, etc. He wants me to be more involved in the finances but I don’t know what he wants me to do- I already feel overwhelmed all the time. Admittedly I found myself googling if Ashley Madison still exists and I would never cheat. But I feel so unappreciated and unloved. For context we just miscarried another baby a few weeks ago. So I don’t know how that plays into it.