Am I being abused? I am confused…please help me!!!!

I am engaged to my fiance…we have 3 children together and I don’t know if he is abusive or if I am?

For about 7 years now (when I got pregnant with our first) I have been yelled at and called names. I have been told I’m certain things, that I honestly feel I am not, but then I get confused and question if I really am that way? I have been telling him how he treats me needs to stop. I am called an idiot, stupid, retard, etc. pretty often. I find if I don’t 100% listen and agree with him, he will end up having a yelling match. He’s starting to do it with my older two kids. What’s crazier is in front of others or when he needs me to do something that he literally can’t do he’s so nice. He’s sweet. I’m like so you are literally just choosing to treat me like this then because you’re fully capable of treating me the way I deserve.

I feel like I am stuck in a cycle…he gets angry with me, he starts yelling, calls me names, then eventually will come to me, ask me if I still love him and apologize (or sometimes he will continue and do things to make me anxious and cling onto him if that makes sense? and will convince me it was actually my fault). He will offer to do nice things for me. But then in a day or two… I start getting the cold shoulder, the attitude, I can literally see the anger building, and we’re back at it again. OR he will do things to upset me purposely…to get a rise out of me. I will even ask him to stop saying certain things, but he will continue. I will be so upset…having a panic attack and he won’t care. I can’t even get a hug. Then he will tell me he just wishes I seen his heart and knew how much he loved me.

For probably a year now my mood has been shot. I almost feel depressed. I am anxious, I just want to sleep in all the time, I don’t want to do anything during the day. I honestly think it’s because I am being abused by him. The odd time when he hears me out, and he’s nice, and we connect, I feel better for a few days. I’m productive. I feel like the real me. I am the best mom to my kids. I have energy. I do all the things. But that only lasts for a bit until he does it again. But he now uses this against me to say I need help, i’m depressed, and will put this all on me and I’m confused now…

Thoughts? I’m actually confused…I don’t know If i’m actually being abused? Am I the one that’s abusive? Am I just depressed?