Growing Pains

As a 20 year old one would think that they have all the time in the world. That there is so much life ahead. People say not to grow up and don’t become an adult too fast. If only I could’ve done those things. Life leaves many opportunities and choices and you just pray that you make the right decisions. Life and been rough for me as im sure many. There’s not one person who doesn’t go through doubting times and tribulations. Through it all I’ve forgot one thing. I’ve tried to make everyone else happy and please everybody and it’s simply just not doable. I’ve forgotten about me and Gods plan for me. I’ve lost a lot and I feel like I’m drowning or im not enough, that I could’ve done something 10x better. I was able to go to my dream college and it got ripped away from me. I had a chance to become myself and who God wanted me to be and not just the horrible situations that happend but I simply had no more motivation. I have had to come back home and restart. I’m going to my community college trying to get my associates and transfer back but I have so many things here that I don’t know if I will be able to leave. So many things that are stopping me from actually living my life. I’ve met a guy who in high school I loved but I couldn’t associate with the things he was doing. Now we’re both older and more mature and trying to do the right things. He doesn’t know if he can handle long distance. He doesn’t know if he sees a family or future. He said he wants it to happen and he prays for it and a life with me and that he doesn’t want to loose me but he’s quick to change the subject. Which were only 20 years old so why am I talking about marriage and kids and a future… well I don’t know how much time I have left. I guess no one really does know when their expiration date is. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare syndrome or disease and I don’t know how much time I will have left. As much as I want to pursue my passion and my love for helping people… out of everything I could possibly do in life, I want more than anything to have a family of my own. To love someone the way I never was loved. It scares me that I won’t have that. Not only that but if I will have it with him. I worry so much. I just keep praying to God that he takes it all and he’ll help me understand what to do next but I feel so alone. I feel like I overthink too much but I also feel I’ve never had any sort of control or possible way to live for me and the only wish and choice that I would have before I go is to be able to have children to love. I also know that I can’t have children and leave them with nothing. I have to have a life for me to be able to make a life for them. Growing up and making those choices are hard. Realizing that you might not have time for the things you want to cherish and make come true happen. I just pray that I can do right and praise right and be stronger with God. I don’t know where my relationship will take me with the man that I love but maybe just maybe it’s a beautiful future with him.