I still feel guilty about my abortion 7 years later

I’m 24 going on 25. It’s always been my dream to become a mother. Even since I was little. Being a mom is so important to me I’ve longed for that feeling for so long. I want to experience holding my own baby in my arms, I can’t wait to feel that feeling. But part of me feels like god is punishing me and will never bless me with a child.

I had an abortion at 8 weeks when I was 17 years old. I saw the ultrasound, I heard the heartbeat, I had a bump. And I was still selfish enough to proceed with the abortion. I blame myself so much for it. I knew that I had nothing to raise a baby with but I was still wrong for choosing that, because it was alive. I had a baby. That was my baby.

I tried to go through years of denying it and convincing myself I did what’s best for myself but I know that’s all just cope and it’s a lie. I’ve been called a “murderer” by my own ex best friends for this exact situation, I will never not feel guilty about this. I’ll die feeling guilty about this even if I can and god blesses me with a child in the future. I remember how the heartbeat sounded, I remember that empty feeling I had when I took the pill. Honestly, whenever something bad happens to me I always swear that it’s my karma for doing that to my baby. I know people think abortion is a right and people have a choice and it’s true you do but it doesn’t erase the fact it’s human life — it’ll never erase the fact of what I did to my baby. I pray so hard and I’ve begged god for forgiveness in the future, I hope I can still have a child whenever the time comes. Since my abortion at 17, I’ve had 5 miscarriages throughout the years. I honestly can’t stop thinking I’m a bad person because of it and I am.