I still feel guilty about my abortion 7 years later

I’m 24 going on 25. It’s always been my dream to become a mother. Even since I was little. Being a mom is so important to me I’ve longed for that feeling for so long. I want to experience holding my own baby in my arms, I can’t wait to feel that feeling. But part of me feels like god is punishing me and will never bless me with a child.

I had an abortion at 8 weeks when I was 17 years old. I saw the ultrasound, I heard the heartbeat, I had a bump. And I was still selfish enough to proceed with the abortion. I blame myself so much for it. I knew that I had nothing to raise a baby with but I was still wrong for choosing that, because it was alive. I had a baby. That was my baby.

I tried to go through years of denying it and convincing myself I did what’s best for myself but I know that’s all just cope and it’s a lie. I’ve been called a “murderer” by my own ex best friends for this exact situation, I will never not feel guilty about this. I’ll die feeling guilty about this even if I can and god blesses me with a child in the future. I remember how the heartbeat sounded, I remember that empty feeling I had when I took the pill. Honestly, whenever something bad happens to me I always swear that it’s my karma for doing that to my baby. I know people think abortion is a right and people have a choice and it’s true you do but it doesn’t erase the fact it’s human life — it’ll never erase the fact of what I did to my baby. I pray so hard and I’ve begged god for forgiveness in the future, I hope I can still have a child whenever the time comes. Since my abortion at 17, I’ve had 5 miscarriages throughout the years. I honestly can’t stop thinking I’m a bad person because of it and I am.

Glow Resources

Let’s Glow

Glow is here for you on your path to pregnancy

Glow helps you navigate your fertility journey with smart tools, personalized insights, and guidance from medical experts who understand what matters most.

25+ million

Users

4.8 stars

200k+ app ratings

20+

Medical advisors