Parenting clashes

We have a 1 and 3 year old. My husband and I are experiencing a lot of parenting clashes. And it’s becoming a problem. From simple things to greater things. Example. He expects them to be more helpful around the house. He says they are more capable than I am expecting them to be. He says that our 3 year old need to be helping with house cleaning a lot more and I need to not let her just wander off and play instead. He says that by age three kids can milk the cow by themselves (literally). (We don’t have a cow he is just giving an example of how capable young children are). I find it much easier to clean the house while the children play because when they “help” it does less than help. I do have them do cleaning so they can learn the skills but not all the time. He’s constantly complaining about the messy house (but doesn’t take it upon himself to just wash the fricken dishes or clear the table). He says he needs me to tell him to do it. Anyway. He wants our three year old to be right next to me doing what I’m doing.

Another example: our three year old is getting really into imagination play she’s been playing out scenes from Swiss family Robinson which is a new show we let her watch. It does get tiring at times because as an adult I’m not always in the mood to pretend to be a show character nor do I memorize the story lines. Anywho. At the dinner table she was still pretending and my husband told her to stop and that it was dinner time. I felt that it was fine for her to keep playing as long as Mama could be Mama in real life and just she could do imagination while eating. Obviously I had to side with my husband and explain to her that play time is for after dinner and now is the time to eat with our family not the Robinson family.

She was building with boxes and said she was making a statue and her dad said that she’s not supposed to build statues because that’s idol worship against gods commands. She kept building and before I knew it she was in her bedroom on a timeout for not listening. I thought it was innocent play but she’s disobeyed when her dad told her not to build statues.

He tells her to stop crying when she cries. I tell her it’s okay to cry when she’s hurt or sad or upset (but not if she’s just complaining about something like whining). He gets even more upset if she cries after being yelled at. I don’t think he should use words like “bad girl” nor tell her she’s “being a brat”. I say things like “you’re doing the wrong thing” or “unwise decisions” and I explain and try to correct. “Try that again in a nicer way” “change your tone of voice when you say that try again.”

He says I undermine him when I correct him instead of her, but I can’t help it sometimes especially if he spanks her.

I’d like to help their relationship blossom but their personalities clash so hard.

He says I’m too lenient. I see that sometimes. But he’s sometimes so opposite that it makes me even softer becasue I want to comfort if he is so upset at her. Like after he yells at her for doing the wrong thing she wants a hug from Mama. When she hugs me he says no and removes her arms from me or tells me to get up.

I wish we were on the same page with parenting because this makes it so hard…