My son is being physically bullied

My son (4.5yrs old) has been bullied physically by my sisters son (5years old) since he was 2.5yrs old. This includes every single time they’re together my sisters son, becomes physical at least once to multiple times in any of these forms; punching, body checking him, pushing him to the ground, throwing heavy objects at him, deliberately smashing his body onto his, pulling his hair and spitting in his face by blowing frustrated raspberry’s at him. Whenever this happens, my sister either ignores, bickers at him from a distance to stop, verbally threatens him with consequences he knows she will not withhold, or starts screaming at him and removes him dramatically.

Recently, he got diagnosed with adhd and is seeing a play therapist suggested by the neurologist who diagnosed him; who believes he may have more of a behavioral issue, that is of main concern.

My sister and her husband are not calm parents and the child was a product of separation. When he was 2-4 years old his parents were filing for divorce and the courts granted him two homes, one on Long Island (with his mother) and one in queens (with his father). He lived 5 days with his father with no physical contact with my sister (his mother) and 5 days with his mother (my sister) with no physical contact with his father, for two years.

During this time his behaviors developed and were excessive past the toddler hitting phase. I warmed my sister he was showing major signs of behavioral issues but she could not handle hearing it or effectively helping him.

My sister and her husband rekindled their very damaged marriage and the boy now lives with both of them in the fathers house again. The father comes from abuse and although they do not hit my sisters son they have absolutely no patience for him and scream, punish and don’t exhibit good parenting skills.

Unfortunately during this time they separated and now have gotten back together, I have tried to be a supportive sister during the separation and during their rekindling of the relationship but my husband and I cannot trust my sisters son to not hurt our son and he always proves to be physically abusive every time we give him “another chance”.

We have taught our son to be assertive and tell him to stop, come to an adult always no matter what, and if he does not stop physically hurting him, we have directed my son to defend himself physically.

My son knows the steps to take with him, or any other bully but my son has never reacted physically back after being physically hurt by him. My son is very smart and does try to stop his cousin verbally or by putting distance between them when he seems to be getting frustrated or placing his arms or elbows out to block the boys body from coming into his personal space before a hit, but this is not always successful and they cannot play more than a few hours before it ends up that my son being hit!

My nephew cannot control his impulses and always ends up hurting my son. Sometimes the abuse will result over something like typical kids bickering over a toy or who’s turn it is. The hitting had accrued when my son is alone and his back is turned and my nephew will go up to him and knock him on the ground or push him.

Every time my son is hurt by her son, it results in a HUGE fight between my sister and I. What really aggregates me is when these incidents happen, my sister does not ask my son if he’s okay, she does not say she’s sorry to me or my son, she barely has made him apologize in the past for his actions. If I say anything about being upset with her son for hitting my son, she flips out on me that I am not there for her or understanding that her son has adhd and major problems (behavioral) from this traumatic separation he went through.

So, yesterday, the boy body checked my son for no literal reason, my son yelled back-“HEY, I don’t like when you do that it makes me angry”. The boy ran away and my sister angrily followed and I did not say anything to her or her son. I asked my son if he was okay and he said yeah and was concerned that my nephew was leaving (he is so used to this behavior from him, he just now expects it and still wants to play with him).

To top it off, my mom is extremely sensitive and defensive about my nephews behavior and believes that I should stick by my sister and her son because he has “problems” and he’s “family” and that “the boys just need to be watched very closely” that I shouldn’t make too much of a big deal about it. So, I stopped making a big deal by not allowing my son to see his cousin as frequently. It resulted in seeing each other once every 3-4 months.

I am angry because what kind of lesson will I be teaching my son? That just because someone has a “disability” or “not great family life” that it’s okay he gets hit by this person? That means I am teaching my son that abuse is okay and it is not okay!

So, after barely allowing anymore interactions between them, I gave my nephew another chance to show he can be good to my son but he keeps proving he cannot control his hands.

After the event, I was on the phone with my sister and she says- “the boys we pretty good right?” I said in a calm and mature voice- “there were some hard moments (speaking of the body checking my son received from hers, for no reason) and if my husband was there, he would’ve been upset”. She yells at me for being judgmental (which is what she always calls me when I get upset about her son hurting mine) and then likes to rewrite my childhood native to suit her storyline to defend and protect her child from my “judgements” that, I was hyper too.

As a child I was diagnosed with adhd and to be clear, I unlike her son, was not physically abusive. Then, she decides to hang up on me and text me how she is done with me and wants nothing to do with me and how I am judgmental and never there for her.

This is very typical of her, she likes to throw me out all the time like I am trash, then she blows off her steam, forgets about it, never says sorry and then messages me one day like nothing ever happens. If I’m upset still and want to talk, she says I harbor so much anger and never want to let anything go… this is the constant gaslighting I deal with.

So, after hearing this story, would you allow your child to hang out with his cousin anymore? I have given it 2+ years of chances and he always ends up hurting my kid!!! He even punches me in the face a lot when I stop talking to him or giving him attention but I have tried to be understanding of his circumstances especially because I used to work with children with disabilities and behavioral issues.

Every time an incident happens, my sister amps my mother up and my mom ends up mad at me that I am causing a wedge between the family and the boys by not letting it go. My mother says stuff like “boys will be boys” or “okay it was just a body check, he’s not even hurt” or “what are the boys never going to hang out because of this ever again?” or “ You must hate him, that you’re so mad and not understanding of his circumstances!”

I am infuriated because my mom is saying it’s okay for her other grandson to be hurt physically by her other grandson because he has adhd and behavioral issues from this separation he went through!

They both gaslight me and tell me I’m wrong and I should be sticking by them and this boy even though he hurts my son! I love my nephew but I love my son more and my son deserves to be treated with love and respect. Please tell me I’m not crazy! I know I’m not.