Am I crazy af or nah??

So long story short I have a 4 almost 41/2 year old. I have had 2 abortions since having him, both because the circumstances led to that. I went through PPD so bad it really traumatized me. I know I want to give my son a sibling or 2 but the thought of what I went through scares me. My man is super active!! Like I definitely wouldn’t be alone but I really say things like “it would feel like my world is ending” if I got pregnant! Now here I am 7 days late on my period and thinking I’m pregnant. Only to get a pregnancy test and it’s negative and then my period came on hours later. Why tf do I feel sad about it?? Like so sad. With the position that I’m in in life I would feel stupid af getting pregnant because we are still trying to get our feet up under us from the first one! Has anyone felt this way?? I have no one to talk to fr and would love to hear from other mamas.

SN** time is a big factor for me too. I’m 27 my kid will be 5 next year and I don’t want my kids too far apart. Again I would just feel like an idiot for being happy about being pregnant.