It's been a long journey. He's five. I never wanted any of this. I told them I didn't want this. They told me that I was crazy and overreacting. They told me everything would be fine. But the reality is that I'm not fine. And I've healed enough to realize that I'm never going to be okay if I don't walk away. This realization is making me feel like I'm coming out of a coma. I literally feel like I'm waking up after being asleep for six years. When I considered leaving before, it was always from a very cognitive place and I was always very worried about how it would affect my son etc. But now, it's from an intuitive place and I just feel fine. I think it'll be hard for my son but I'm truly just trusting now. I know that not everyone will get it and I'm okay with that. I just hope that he's not too terrible to my son. But the court system won't let me protect him from his father, so I'm surrendering. I really think it's going to be okay.

Listen, y'all, if I stay, people tell me I'm terrible for raising a kid I didn't want (they assume that I'm abusive my son and all this other shit. It's pathetic.) and if I don't stay, people tell me I'm terrible for leaving. It's a shitty situation regardless; this child was born out of pressure and guilt. The courts don't deem the emotional abuse I've endured as reason enough to allow me to leave with my son and I've realized that I'm simply dragging myself down by sticking around. I'm not saving my son by sticking around.... I'm just continuing to perpetuate my own misery. I've also come to the conclusion that maybe this really isn't my responsibility. When I was saying this was a bad idea at 21 and my elders, which includes my son's father, told me that I was crazy, they created this mess. And they can clean it up. I said this was a bad idea from the beginning. And I'm trusting that it's going to be okay. I didn't come on here for validation; again, people are going to demonize me regardless of what I do because that's what people do. I made this post for me. To process what's going on. I understand that you don't understand. But I am finally at peace after an incredibly tumultuous six years of life. And that is the point of all this.